LOVE IS NOT ABUSE
Good morning ma’am, I love and follow your blog religiously. Please kindly post this and as anonymous ma’am, thanks. It saddens my heart anytime I see a post from women about how their husbands disrespect them. I am not married and in my early 20’s and yet I feel their pains while I read about the problems in their marriage. From these posts it seems to me that these women love and will do anything to keep their marriages but the trend I’m seeing from the men scares me a lot. Why would a man exchange vows with a woman and beat her up or cheat? After the labor pains why would a man threaten a woman if she doesn’t bear a male child? Is she the creator of the baby? This is something out of her control and you’re causing depression for her!
I am not a feminist but there is another trend I see generally when some women say, “he promised to marry me” I do not think marriage should be forced or you are forcing yourself into depression. A wise man once said, “Being single is better than being lied to, cheated on and disrespected” I also really don’t like it when female’s say, “men will always cheat” I feel that is creating a chance for them and more of them to cheat.
I’ve heard advices from mature minds and they say you’ll see signs in the guy you are dating. Does that mean most of the women that are complaining about how their husbands are misbehaving did not see the bad signs or what? I feel young females need to be educated about these things, learning from other people’s experiences and avoiding it all together. Please can the women in the house shed some light on this issue? As young women what should we watch out for?
You say the women should shed more light, what about the men in the house, so does it mean our opinion is not needed? anyway even if you don't want men to shed more light, I will disobey that and share my opinion
Most women that get married see danger signs in their man before getting married to him, but remain in that relationship all in the Name of love, and with the believe that he will change, and that he loves them, and the he has changed or that he has begged them, and yet repeat same thing over and over again, if you see any danger sign, and it has become a pattern for that person, please be wise to back out of the relationship (Proverbs 22:3),
There are so many danger signs one of them is "anger" if you are dating anybody man or woman that's hot tempered flee from the person, end that relationship, don't ever think you can change him (Proverbs 22:24)
Also date and marry someone that has the fear of God, although some people change in marriage, but its safer to marry someone with the fear of God, you might be lucky the person will not change in marriage for the worse. And always put God first in all you do (Proverbs 3:5-7)
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You say the women should shed more light, what about the men in the house, so does it mean our opinion is not needed? anyway even if you don't want men to shed more light, I will disobey that and share my opinion
Most women that get married see danger signs in their man before getting married to him, but remain in that relationship all in the Name of love, and with the believe that he will change, and that he loves them, and the he has changed or that he has begged them, and yet repeat same thing over and over again, if you see any danger sign, and it has become a pattern for that person, please be wise to back out of the relationship (Proverbs 22:3),
There are so many danger signs one of them is "anger" if you are dating anybody man or woman that's hot tempered flee from the person, end that relationship, don't ever think you can change him (Proverbs 22:24)
Also date and marry someone that has the fear of God, although some people change in marriage, but its safer to marry someone with the fear of God, you might be lucky the person will not change in marriage for the worse. And always put God first in all you do (Proverbs 3:5-7)
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1. Why would a man exchange vows and abuse spouse? Wrong foundation – this has several dimensions starting with the choice of who you marry and are you also prepared for the toughest and most rewarding school in the entire universe?
2. Will men always cheat? NO. Do I always get it right? NO. I am a man and God has been helping men in this journey… I see Him dealing with me when I do err and I know God loves me so much that I would always want to be in right standing with Him. I love my wife and the mother of our children and I think that makes it easier for her to submit… not worship as only God deserves to be worshipped.
3. Will you see the signs (good or bad) when dating? A little but you’ll be so blind to accept. Love, they say, is blind but marriage will open your eyes. Enter marriage with your two eyes wide open and thereafter, close one eye. One thing – spend less time dating and more in courtship. What’s the difference? Courtship involves other people responsible for you – parents, pastors… Dating is just the two of you.
4. What should you watch out for as a woman?
– Does he know/love God?
– Who are the people he respects and would listen to?
– Can I submit to his authority as a leader?
– Do I l feel proud being with him?
– Do we have aligned visions?
– Is he diligent – what would he do if he’s out of job? Etc.
I can write an entire book on this…
Thanks Alloy…
Ladies, you have goodmen in the house – please don't forget that!
sorry to deviate pls. pls I need sheamapo contacts
sorry to deviate pls. pls I need sheamapo contacts and also Deborah bala's contact.
Well said Johnson! Are you a pastor? To the poster, take your time and don't rush into marriage, there is LOVE AND LUST. it's different meaning. Look for a God fearing man because anybody who does not fear God would not fear any human being. Check his background, family etc as this tends to have an effect on men's life as well, especially the bad once. Be prayerful and good luck xx
My own man's family history is what I'm scared of! He does not listen to anyone except God himself. His elder broda is married 2 a bank manager,he divorced her .he got married 2the 2nd wife who is now heavily pregnant but has a girlfriend dat has already put 2birth.my own so called boyfrnd had a baby during his school days. And d gurl is now 16yr old. He propose 2me but I'm taking my time 2respond because I don't know if we get married he will able 2 listen 2 me,and dis is d person dat always remind me dat I'm a kid 2hiM just because he is 41 and he aged me wit 16yrs.pls wat should I do?
My own man's family history is what I'm scared of! He does not listen to anyone except God himself. His elder broda is married 2 a bank manager,he divorced her .he got married 2the 2nd wife who is now heavily pregnant but has a girlfriend dat has already put 2birth.my own so called boyfrnd had a baby during his school days. And d gurl is now 16yr old. He propose 2me but I'm taking my time 2respond because I don't know if we get married he will able 2 listen 2 me,and dis is d person dat always remind me dat I'm a kid 2hiM just because he is 41 and he aged me wit 16yrs.pls wat should I do?
Every situation is peculiar… I will not advice any young woman to marry a man that does not have someone (another man/woman) he respects and listens to. He does not have to fear the person, but should have sufficient respect for the person(s) to listen to them. This person(s) should equally have God's idea on what marriage is all about. Let no one deceive you, no man listens to only God!
I am an advocate of good marriage counseling before you say I DO. There are several issues and topical areas that both of you need to understand before you settle in… Will this take away the challenges that come with marriage? NO, but experience tells me that when you tend a tree in the way it should grow, you will sit under its shade when you’re old!
It is better to be single than enter a union that will send you to HELL!
annon 12 53pm. I pity u alot. U are seeing dangers and stil askng? I dnt pray u enter into trouble… Any ways sha o. If u can cope with facing d challenges u can go ahead. Mtcheew. Men don finish 4 dis world? Gud luck.
Run for your life. It will get worse in marriage. I am telling you from experience
Sorry to deviate. Ibadan peeps, please what are the names of the best hotels in Ib? Thanks.
Johnson let's hook up na. Luv ya
Damsel.
Don't marry a man dat listens only to his mother,some mother inlaw ar witches,like mine
Mr Alloy and Mr Johnson, thank you for taking time to comment and advise. Please be aware that I and other people (both men and women) look forward to your comments as they are mature, helpful, educating and above all Godly. God bless you, I pray your heart desires are granted and your homes will never be sour, Amen.
I need some advise on how to rekindle affection, love and romance in my marriage. I've known my hubby for 12yrs, married 7yrs and we have 3beautiful children. I love my husband and I've tried everything to bring back the passion but ifeel I'm alone and he doesn't respond. Even when we are together I feel lonely as he doesn't speak or else spoken to and I'm just getting fed up. I'm emotionally detached tohim, despite me trying everything and even sitting him down n waking him up in d middle of the night to ask if he isn't happy, if there is something I'm not doing as his wife or mother of his kids but he says everything is fine. He only comes anywhere near me if he want sex n these days I just lay there until its over as I like to be emotionally there to enjoy it (sorry too much info). He is the best dad ever and looks after us but this is not enough.
For afew yrs things have not been ok financially for him as some of his businesses folded up(he was employed n still did biz on the side, now he still has his job but no biz). I work n have taken a chunk of household expenses to lift off some of the stress. He is so into wanting to 'make It' and ithink this is getting him down. I have spoken to him about this and explained that we cannot all be 'rich' and he shldnt compare himself with friends n fam. I told him we should appreciate what wehave and pray that God shld finacially bless us, we are ok not suffering so y kill urself. This man is my crown and I crave his attention and I know I will never look elsewhere (so help me God) but I fearwhat d next 20, 30 yrs n so on will be if we already live like bro n sis or housemates. I have been praying and I amjust getting fed up. Please help.
You can have a happy home if you want to. You have to understand that if your boyfriend beats you and you marry him, he most likely would beat you. You have to understand that you can use your money and plan a surprise romantic getaway for you and your husband, even if its within the country and you will not die. You have to understand that if both of you take out time to cuddle and play like teenagers, you are not being foolish. You have to understand that many people wish you were seperated so you must work hard at your marriage, you have to understand that if your husband beats you, it is wrong and you should not condone an abusive person, you have to understand that its okay to send the kids to grandma for a while and have sex in the kitchen. You have to understand that you must never insult your husband, because its just plain unacceptable timid behavior, you have to be fun, play music and dance to it, if the man is rigid loosen him up. Have fun with your marriage, space your kids,you have to know that both of you come first before the kids please stop giving them all the attention and giving him none. You think because whenever he wants sex you just open leg then that means you are satisfying him? Can't you stay untop for once? Cant you spice the sex dont be doing like you are 100 years old biko, men are somehow not every man knows how to spice things, naturally women are decorators and stuff like that, and if your husband is a good man, he will follow your lead. So please if you are a boring wife, he will get tired. If he is boring and you are not its easier to influence him. Can he have intelligent conversations with you? Do you think men really want to talk about fashion? Can you be his business partner? Let me tell you, if your husband doesn't consult you before taking any major dec9, sonething is not right. Use your bottom power, dont let him or anybody see you finish, be a hustler, make money, bring something to the table and the respect will double. Stop plannig sex like its a chore, be spontaneous, try and get a sense of humor, be fillec with joy, laugh often, if he is vexing it wont be long he would stop. When he travels, send him a hot picture of you, you ppl should be fun biko. Some women like to do like they are aged. Most of these people that they cheat with send them pictures , why cant you? He is your property, abi you are shy? have to look good always you have to be clean especially down there you have to know about his finances…God gave us common sense to know these things . pray for wisdom, I have been married 10years. I have realised no be by gra gra. Have fun!!
Seriously speaking not all marriages are bad. The difference between the white woman and the nigerian woman is that the white woman will tell her husband whatever it is she feels she isn't comfortable with. The nigerian woman will tell her mother, sister, friend, pastor, or blog readers like you and I. The white man will tell his wife if he feels they should take a break or go on a vacation, the nigerian man would keep it to himself. Im not saying these people dont have marital problems, in fact thier divorce rate is alarming. But dont we all know that after prayer, communication is the key? Two heads are better than one. If you go through most of the posts here you discover they have little communication with thier partners, but actually prefer to come and bare it all to us. Why? Not all men cheat. Some men do not cheat for a multitude of reasons. Some men are really practicing the Christian faith and will never do it, some men are bedridden or incapacitated and cant have access to women the way they want, some don't just have the opportunity, some haven't seen the one they like because they are very choosy, some tried it before and were In serious gobe, some don't have money, not all men cheat. And the ones that do, have different reasons for doing so, so i wont put them under one umbrella. Now, when you want to get married to somebody, and you decide this is the person you will spend the rest of your life with, won't you be really careful choosing a partner? After 2 years, I see people complaining and im like…….? There are no two ways about it, some people are not sure. But time and age is knocking on thier door, so they marry, sharp sharp.wrong move . If im told to pick a meal I will eat for the rest of my life, I won't pick indomie. As much as I like it, it won't sustain me and give me nutrients over a long period of time. Im likely to pick something that contains most of what my body needs, marriage is like that. If you love dark skinned girls why marry a fair one? And expect her to tan tomorrow? If you cant live with a smoker why marry a man that smokes?if you want a God fearing man, does it mean you can marry any body who is God fearing? No. Because we all have our choice. Over millions of centuries in africa, the position of women have not been active in the political scene or professional fields, they have been seen and not heard. In the recent past, women in africa have gradually come out of thier shell to prove to the world that they are humans and without the neck, the head aint standing. But some women have passed on something to thier female children, and many generations to come, that is low self esteem. Thats why a fellow human being will be subjecting you to damage, be it emotional or physical and you will feel, because you are a woman it is normal or since your dad always shouted at your mum, then its okay for your husband to do so.
I hate men that talk too much. A quiet guy is just perfect abeg, this alloy can talk for africa. I dont even think guys should visit this blog. I can imagine my husband coming here. ROTFL. Yes alloy you talk too much.
Queen has said it all. Im guilty of not discussing business with my hubby I don't show interest, the day he used it against me my eye opened. I discovered his business partner is a woman! And she don marry, spare parts and electrical equipments importation o. I had to start showing interest.
I am also guilty of boring sex. Ny small tin I go just open leg yakata, na after I watch one oyinbo movie, I discover say no be like that, last night na 4 parlour we do am o midnight when baby don sleep. My hubby was pleased nd this morning we almost late 4 church finish…una fit guess why. Abeg oo. All the points she make na true, if you nor add maggi a d salt for inside your marriage, how e go sweet?
@ timely anon. The society we live in places so much pressure on the man… on good men. You have a man who wants to be successful and is under so much pressure to ensure things don'y fall apart. However, it is important to note that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all. Prosperity cannot be enjoyed without the soul prospering – this comes from God given ideas.
Be the best encourager of your husband and please let him know you’re praying for him. YES – let him know. I will leave the approach for you to decide – after all, Jesus prayed for Peter and told him so. Encourage him to start the businesses again – for a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again (Prov 24:16). His testimony is around the corner and you’ll be part of it.
Get the book “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian and take out time to pray fervently over the life of your husband…, and of course the children. God shall bring back happiness & joy to your marriage…
I honestly cannot imagine why women won't take an interest in their mans business as for me 1 kobo does not move without my knowledge or consent. And as for sex let's just say we rarely do it missionary style o I always tease him that we barely make love what we do is hardcore f**king but that's because I enjoy it a lot
You ppl shld let him be,he has nt done anytin wrong,his advice always make sense
You ppl shld let him be,he has nt done anytin wrong,his advice always make sense
@ Johnson I love this ur comment n u ended it wt dt book,every married woman suppose to hv it
We single ladies need 2 bi careful nd prayer, marriage na anoda sch ooo.
Damsel… no let my wife banish me from making contributions o – lol! She introduced me to this blog and I see the opportunity to make positive impact, despite mua busy schedule… very busy!
I’m also learning…
Alloy doesn't talk too much, he makes a lot of sense. You Gerrit? I learn a lot from his comments.
Some women can not understand why they should have sex at least 3 times a week. That is just tooooo much. To them, giving sex to their hubby is like doing him a favor. He does something nice and we throw him a bone like a dog. Infact many of us have now turned to calculators, calculating when last we had sex and forecasting into when we should have the next one. Oh, its been a month we had sex ooo. I'm sure he will come and ask me now – abeg I'm not in the mood – let me wear my pad and pretend I'm on my period. Or, Oh I had one last week, so na till next week be that abeg. Sex na food?
Dont get me wrong, sex is not the end all be all. And the truth is there are men who are not so crazed about sex and their wives are lucky to have them (if they themselves are not crazed about it) but that is just a few exceptions to the rule.
But …….
A healthy man with high libido who is only getting sex once every week or two weeks or even months is most likely doing a bit of self-servicing as well (you know what I mean) just so that he does not get his wife angry from demanding it often. This can create a vicious cycle:
man masturbates (if he is holy enough not to chase women) -> so he ends up not needing his wife -> wife feels unattractive, unloved -> then she begins to act unattractive and unloved because she is not getting her husbands attention -> man is not ready and does not care enough to make an effort to woo an unattractive, unlovely wife -> so man masturbates again -> and…..the cycle repeats itself. It is not that you refusing sex and ignoring him doesn’t bother him. It is just that he has stopped caring and he has found an alternative so now he can leave you in peace.
You need to break that cycle. Let's stop that habit of 'we had sex yesterday, so na until next week again before you mark register'. Turn off the TV, hop in bed, see what happens. On nights when he isn’t showing any interest, 'do' him instead. If he was not feeling loved before he will definitely feel loved now.
I got a lot of mixed reaction the last time I posted on sex and that is understandable because people are different but My mum will say – Learn your husbands serial number and the dynamics of your marriage and know how to work it to your benefit. If he is not sex crazed good for you, if he is and you are not giving
Nice 1@3:10… U r extremely correct. Most women get it wrong when they use xes as means of reward and punishment. Start doing thingz that made him choose you as his wife among several others. Goodluck on that
Hihihihihihihi @Damsel somtim we need to behave like a lady to b treated like 1. I too like myself abeg… I 4 no fit sleep.. Nice 1 @Johnson, it means u respect ur wifey… But na joke Damsel dey na haba… Hope wifey is not M.T ooO jst asking
Pls you can get the book "five love languages" by Gary Chapman. I think you haven't really understood your husband's love language and you don't know what to do or say to make him happy or to spivce up the marriage again. I hope this helps. BL
I agree with Queen and relate with anon 6:41. Not every brother that is God fearing is the man for you! As a woman,God has designed, configured and prepared you for someone. Imagine putting an oval peg in a round peg simply because they have both got curves, or they are kinda the same. IT IS WRONG! What happens to the open spaces? If God didnt prepare you for that man and you went in there by yourself, then you are operating in HIS permissive will. At which point you begin to pray for mercy. HIS perfect will is the best thing even though it might not seem palatable to us in the beginning. Marriage is way beyond a man and woman living together and procreating! God has a mandate for marriage as women, we are to compliment and not to compete with our husbands. As husbands, we are to give our wives space that their help might find expression in our lives! Wives ought to show interest in the business of their husbands. You can travel to buy the goods, make supplies, call his contacts and successfully, sufficiently, efficiently and effectively transact business with them. Don't leave everything to him or to his boys. You would be amazed at the 'eagle eye' and 'sixth sense' effect you can add to the business. Husbands too should show interest in their wives business and careers in that way she knows she has a rock! One thing I must not fail to add is that the fact you are operating in HIS perfect will doesn't mean that there wouldn't be challenges. There would be because the devil isnt happy but with the wisdom of God, you would surmount what would or may have caused major crisis. May God help us all to fulfill HIS mandate of marriage here on earth, Amen! Now in agreement with Alloy my brother, I say Prov 3:5-6.