Good day Eya. I have been an avid reader of your blog. Been following different posts and I hope I will get good advice without any insults pls. Am almost 30 and have been dating this guy for sometime now. I really do love him and I believe he loves me too but with guys u can’t be too sure if u are the only one.
I have this issue with him because
he has too many female friends around him that he always chatting with or sometimes they call him or he calls them and when I complain he says they are just friends and that he’s not cheating on me and that can’t he have female friends.
We argue about it and he says am choking him, that he needs to be able to be free with his friends without my choking him because he isn’t cheating on me. I try to relax but because I have been hurt in the past I find it hard to.
Also we have been talking of getting married but my mother isn’t in support because he’s Yoruba and am Igbo but I don’t mind the cultural difference. His folks are in support of it, i‘m even the one that’s worried if I can fit in.
I love this guy so much that am seriously considering not listening to my mother and marrying him no matter the consequences but am also worried. Am worried if am doing the right thing. Please I need good advice. Eya pls I will like to remain anonymous.
Sent from my iPad
I have this issue with him because
he has too many female friends around him that he always chatting with or sometimes they call him or he calls them and when I complain he says they are just friends and that he’s not cheating on me and that can’t he have female friends.
We argue about it and he says am choking him, that he needs to be able to be free with his friends without my choking him because he isn’t cheating on me. I try to relax but because I have been hurt in the past I find it hard to.
Also we have been talking of getting married but my mother isn’t in support because he’s Yoruba and am Igbo but I don’t mind the cultural difference. His folks are in support of it, i‘m even the one that’s worried if I can fit in.
I love this guy so much that am seriously considering not listening to my mother and marrying him no matter the consequences but am also worried. Am worried if am doing the right thing. Please I need good advice. Eya pls I will like to remain anonymous.
Sent from my iPad
Let your mind be @ rest, its possible he's not cheating afterall, let ur fear of the past go stop giving ursef unecessary headache. Den to ur mum try to find out frm her if ur bf's tribe is d only reason she's standing against the relationship, nd if she doesn't have any oda tangible reason den u can convince her.
So do you need advise on the female friends or on the tribal issue.
Either way I think you are still confused about this guy. I would ask you to take your time, open your eyes and study this guy well well. Please do not rush into marriage just cos you are close to 30. I'm married but I wish I had taken time to know my spouse well. Now I feel trapped and I wake up every morning feeling empty. I wouldn't want you to go through the same.
I personally tink if he luvs&respects u,he'd pay attention to ur feelns&minimize or stop d rate of steady communicatn wf d opposite sex. Sit him down and pour out ur heart on how u feel abt d whole situation. Marriage is a lifetime thingy so u really nid to think hard&make sure u tie up any loose end b4 u enter in2 it. Moreso,u hv to ask urslf if u can live d rest of ur life wv a man wu doesnt consider ur emotions because wateva u dnt stop now b4 d marriage wld only get worse wen u enta.So u really really nid to think thoroughly! Secondly,u nid to also have an intensive talk wf ur mum. She shld tell u in details the reason behind her refusal to d marriage. Thirdly,u shld seek spiritual advise frm ur pastor.
Ask yourself what exactly it is that is making you uncomfortable with his female friends. Is the kind of attention he gives them more special than the one he gives you? Does relating with them make him happier than normal? Does he try to hide some of their conversations from you? If not, I dnt think you shud worry. If it pains you too much, make more male friends, chat with them and giggle a lot…hehehe…
Trust me, guys do not like a needy clingy woman. In the first few months of dating, it is cute…all that ‘damsel in distress, I want all of ur attention' can be endearing. But after that phase (first few months or weeks), it becomes annoying. Give him the right amount of attention to show him you care but, at the same time, leaving him wanting more….
About the tribe thing, if you are sure he is the right person, and YOU dnt have an issue with it, pls try and convince ur mother to see things ur way considering that it is you that will live with him. I mean, many 'lagos-Igbo' people are comfortable being married to or dating Yoruba guys. But be sure you dnt mind cos sometimes our parents opinions (especially one they have been saying for years) have shaped our mindset and we start having issues with things because of them, not because we genuinely have a problem with it. What I mean is, you might think you are comfortable with his tribe until after marriage and you start missing normal 'Igbo' things.
Anyway, prayerfully make the right decision cos on the average, we stay married about three times as much time as we we were single.
Well, it does sound like you are choking him and it also does sound like you are trying to control him and not give him the liberty of being friends with his friends just because you have now come into his life.
From your post, you are having insecurity issues. And that's because of your past. I'm sure you must have known in one way or the other that he had so many female friends already before settling with him.
1st of all, have you bothered to calm yourself down and tell yourself that this guy isn't any of your exes?
2nd of all, have you bothered to calm yourself down to actually realise that there are some girls whose natural friends are mainly guys and there are some guys, whose natural friends are mainly girls? Your man might be the latter.
They could be just friends. Nothing more. It's not a new thing. See, some of these relationships may have existed even 10years before he knew he was going to date you. He must have gone through easy and tough times with some of them. Some guys just feel more at ease with females (mostly if they aren't the type to do male hangouts, drinking, football etc).
And mind you, they are purely friendship based. I'm saying all these cos I have a few personal experiences with such people.
If he's not hiding the friendships from you or hiding the calls from you, why are you giving yourself high bp? A man that will cheat will cheat. Did you see him calling them late at night just to tell them "I love you?", does he delete the chats? You must have read the chats already. What did they sound like?
Cheating is beyond just having female friends. Do you not have any male friend at all. Like, at all?
Well sha, calm yourself down. Instead of nagging him to death, tell him how you feel about it and why(your past experiences). If he's not playing away match with them, then he should be open to introducing them to you. But he'd be scared to do that if he knows you will not like them at all. Be open to meeting them. Force yourself to like the idea. Try and suggest it to him and watch his reaction. You can tell him that you'd just want to meet this people in his life and also, so that you can help your bp be normal 🙂
But, there ought to be boundaries in his relationship with them though.
I have male friends around me so I understand he's having female friends but what I don't understand is that if I ask who he's chatting with (as in trying to gist) he gets angry, sometimes he answers and other times he will say I don't have to know who he's talking to because its his phone, his chats and his privacy, that I don't have to know. When I then try to look at the chats, then that becomes a big issue that ends with a stern warning that I shouldn't go through his phone because its his privacy. I wonder because if its really nothing like he always says then why is he bothered about whether I look at it or not.I have tried talking to him about it but he doesn't agree with me because all he knows is that its his phone, his chats and his privacy.
sometimes i get really confused with some advice i see on here. today its ok for a guy to chit chat with his female friends of which some of them might be his exes and tomorrow its not just ok for exes to keep in touch for whatever reasons except they bump into each other. *heavysigh*
If the reverse was the case now like the poster is complaining that her bf or fiance is nagging about her numerous platonic male friends, the advice will be for her to cut them off and concentrate on her relationship.
Its really a man's world we live in!! *sighsagain*
Its rlly a mans world. If d reverse was d case pipo wld sai d lady shld cut dwn on her male friends. I do not believe d poster is being insecured or overtly needy. As couples aspiring 2 get married dy shld start learning 2 b each odas evrytin and nt unecessary chit chat wit so calld friends. I had ds sam issue wit my guy. I felt he was acting insecured. It causd a lot of quanta til i realized i was actually d one acting insecured i nided dos friendship 2 reassure myself dt i was still sought afta & fear of d unknown (80% of dm were previous toasters or aspiring toasters). I let most of dm go and funny enuf i dnt miss dos friendships. So I believe d posters man is d 1 wt insecurity issues. If his serious abt d marriage talk he shld b willing 2 let go of all dos unecessary obiachara friendshps. Jasmine.
Nekky, not all female friends are exes. There are no hard or fast rules about strictly platonic relationships with people of the opposite sex. If you are someone that has lots of platonic friends (whom you never and won't date), it would be advisable to date someone who wouldn't have a problem with that.
I mean, bare it all out before you decide to date them. Let them know all of that. If you feel you still want to go ahead with the person even though they would have a problem with that, then if what makes you sleep is to cut them off, do whatever makes you sleep. There are no rules Nekky. Don't let it confuse you.
From a woman's perspective, if they are indeed 'just friends', then there would be no need for all the drama associated with who he's talking to and the privacy of his chats. From 'her' perspective, it means that he has something up his sleeves.
The much you can really do for yourself is really calm down, don't bother asking all those questions anymore, talk to God to give you wisdom because asides the tribal thing, this is another serious issue. If it's already like this before a marriage, what happens afterwards?
If you want to still talk to him about it, you can tell him that the secrecy involved in his communication and relationships with this people is affecting your trust for him as you believe that if he had nothing up his sleeves, he wouldn't go all defensive on the issue. And the lack of trust is putting a strain on your relationship with him (cos if it wasn't, you wouldn't be here). If he loves you, he should care what you think, except he sure does have things up his sleeves.
Also let him know that for you to decide to go along with the marriage, which is a big step, you need assurances of trust (not just in words, but in actions).
Just pray to God about everything sha. I hope this my little comment helps.
And by the way, God created them male and female, so I don't get all the "it's a man's world" talk. YOU MAKE OF YOUR OWN WORLD WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO MAKE IT BE FOR YOU.
I once dated a guy that used to chat up those rubbish lines to my ear. It infuriates me. I didn't waste anytime in doing the right thing ASAP. He knew better afterwards that it was a woman's world too after all.
Aint nobody got time for that. Peace of mind is of high priority any day and any time.
Jay, i know right. my point actually is that if its not proper for exes to remain platonic friends simply because they have shared intimacy in the past like some people have frowned at in this blog, then what makes it proper for a guy or a girl keep platonic friends while in a relationship or marriage? i know you will say cos of the intimacy that was there in the past. and i ask what is the guarantee that the platonic friends won't develop feelings for each other and cross the line? Like you said, there are no hard and fast rules which brings me to the conclusion that keeping in touch with your ex while married or in another relationship is nearly if not the same as being just friends with someone you haven't dated.
Personally, i don't think i'll mind if my man has female friends as long as the friendship has boundaries that he must respect. After all he had a life before meeting me and though some things has to change while we are at it, i can't dictate who he chooses to be friends with. I can only express my concerns and want to be reassured not just by words but by actions that he knows his boundaries with other females be them friends or acquaintances.
I'm liberal like that. *grins*
Comments too long! Haba! I wld love to learn too, pls keep them brief and straight to d point. Some of us r hiding and tryin to juggle work while being entertained wit WC. Addicted still wish I can help wit. * hug*
The keyword is BOUNDARIES. There should be boundaries so as to avoid 'stories that touch'. Boundaries in what you discuss with them, boundaries in what you share etc. Generally, boundaries, boundaries and even more boundaries.
I think the said guy don't care how u feel.If he cares he will respect your feelings and cut every communications,chats and bullshit messages he engages with dem girls. You better sit down and ask urself if you are ready to face all dis chatting and women drama wen you settle down.Cos me I wouldn't want you to come to WC after marriage to seek advice on how to stop him from chatting with dem girls ooo Nah him be say that one nah Campaign after election oo…..
Pls let's keep comments brief and as straight to the point as possible. Its becoming an habit for some people to write epistles. Let's try to summarize as much as we can. I don't think people are so dumb that they need every little thing spelt out to them. Thanks
Are u d poster? Are u d blogger? Did google complain 2 u dat d epistles are taking up memory on cyber space? This isn't a gist blog. People have real life issues and come here seeking advice and u come here 2 talk about brief comment without even leaving an advice. Wow. U must feel like a genius already. Who made you the law maker on this blog?
Female friends – a reflection you have a good man… be concerned if he either treats them better or is in a better mode with them. Are these friends that came onboard after your relationship started?
You should be able to convince momsie, and she will give in when she’s assured you’re in good hands. The same way embassies want to get assurance that you’ll not be a liability in their country before issuing you a visa. It’s dangerous to ignore parental consent in getting married!
It's not all of them that are exes, some are friends he had before me and some are friends that came after me and his friends are everything to me because he has said that his friends will always be there for him whether am there or not. He says they are just friends and that I don't trust him, he keeps stressing that he isn't cheating on me. I don't know if I can deal with all the privacy thing because I feel that if there's really nothing then he should be free with me and it shouldn't matter if I see it or not
@Ahdaisy, hw cm i saw ur response 2 dis post on one of d posts in LIB?!
@Ahdaisy, dis ur response appeared verbatim on LIB! Hw cm if u dnt visit LIB?! :/
My dear u hav 2 b wise abt d whole tin. I 1ce dated a guy like dat. D female friends he had eh, it wuz sumtin else. Weneva I ask him, he'll say dat dey r friends dat am bin insecure. 2 cut d long story short, he wuz datin 1 of dem, found out 4rm text msgs. Dumped his lying ass. Oma Baby.
@happyMe, ejo lofe ro? Mschew
Anon12;27, God bless u real good@Chi pls we need d epistles :D,u can skip em if u dnt need em. Nobody is forcing anybody
Anon 11:10, I'm sorry ur nt ready to learn…nd u can even skip them if u dnt wanna read. SIMPLE!!!
Oma baby,u sabi give advice gan oh..r u sure ur nt a side chic to d poster's bf nd u want ha to dump him so u can ve him? @poster pls get ur facts ryt before u do anything…they myt jus b frds nd I think he loves u cos outta all d 'female frds' he chose U nd pls PRAY. It is well
@Anon, happy 2 disappoint u but we r not all yoruba so u can try communicatn in english nxt time *rme*. Btw y r sm of u always so on edge ready2 pounce on sm1, any1 @ d slightest "perceived provocation" #verylonghiss!#
Wow Ahdaisy u are on roll today!this ur particular comment appearing on Linda and Ladun even on the most unrelated topic!
Thot u said u were gonna stick to WC's only in terms of comment?what gives now?
@ Opeke, I am not d side chic oooo.
Pls get outta dis guy's life, privacy my foot! This is a big sign for u now. Once u enter marriage hmmmmm…(Talking frm experience)
Also ur mom is against it..abeg run as far as ur legs can! These 2 signs r enough to make u run to avoid regrets!
I think someone is impersonating Adhaisy. They could have come here to do copy and paste. It's dangerous when people go to the extent of doing hateful things with someone's identity all because they can do it anonymously