Years back When I married my wife, we were in love or so I thought. However, I was always the one initiating intimacy in the bedroom. A little more than a year ago I started to give up. I started to withdraw from my wife a bit more and focus on myself. About nine months ago I stopped any attempts at initiating sex, intimacy or touching. More recently, I was surprised to discover that I no longer found my wife attractive. For the first time since I met her, I couldn’t think of her in a sexual way. Yes, technically she was still attractive. All her attributes were the same, physically nothing had changed, but I just couldn’t see her as “attractive” anymore.
Now it’s easy to go without sex with her because I no longer find her attractive. I broke the habit. Then in a moment of clarity, I realized I was now as detached and uninterested in her sexually as she’d behaved for our whole marriage. Wow. I finally found out why she hasn’t been interested in me all these years, I finally know how she feels. This has been a HUGE turning point for me. She really never loved me the way I loved her, the way I needed to be
loved. I’m angry that she just didn’t tell me that she felt this way. Why did she lie and make excuses all these years? That one I may never figure out. Experiencing this feeling of relative indifference to her has been enlightening, and will be a key element in moving forward.
Kindly permit me use your platform to tell other married couples the obvious truth about refusal; Your refuser really doesn’t love you. If you can’t get your head around it, try thinking of a relative (brother or sister) and the feeling that you have for them is pretty close to what your refuser feels for you. It seems simple and obvious now, but I just wasn’t getting it before. So wonder they avoid sex with you at all costs! There’s nothing to fix here. You either accept and live with it for life or quit. Yes, there may be medications but what if if your refuser is the type of spouse that never wants to talk about it?
Your sexless marriage isn’t a case of them inadequately expressing how they feel about you, it’s a case of them expressing exactly how they feel about you. If a husband or wife consistently refuses intimacy with you, won’t talk about it? He doesn’t love you anymore.
@Poster, I can relate well to your situation. I was there and have a word for you:
*I tried to see things differently.
*I tried to "do without" and do it with grace.
*I hated myself
*I fasted and prayed
*I tried to change myself in the hope of enticing my partner.
I tried to change my innermost feelings from sad and angry to something "positive."
I tried to tell myself that it was my fault.
I tried to tell myself it didn't matter, really, when one is with such a warm and loving partner (except for the bit about NO SEX).
I tried hobbies.
I ran long distances, physically and mentally, to try to run off my desires and energies.
I told myself I was bad and evil.
I told myself I was pathetic to be 35…40… and still wanting to have sex.
I said so many rosaries that even the Pope asked me to stop.
And then…
I begged…
I screamed…
I despised him…
I wrote reams of letters about it…
I cried…until I was sick…many times…
I threw myself on the floor and knocked my head against it and said I would do anything, anything he said if he'd just tell me what the reason was for his lack of interest in sex with me even though I see condoms in his travelling bag…
Did a million blowjobs to make him want me, to make him desire me and reciprocate with sex.
I said I was sorry approximately 100,000 times for being "bad" and "being demanding and shallow…"
It changed nothing!!!
Oh dear, I'm touched. Hubby and I agreed on no sex before marriage, years after the wedding till date, my marriage has never gone past very romantic kissing, hand holding with no sex at alll.
Wedding day came, wedding night together and nothing in the sex department. To date, we have never gotten past kissing. The most physical contact I ever got were a couple of back rubs. From day one of sleeping with him, he always seemed irritated if I laid too close. I was always either too hot, too cold, even moving my arm would annoy him and he would tell me to lay still. I wrote it off to him being a light sleeper.
We live as roommates. 4 years together, no kids to show and I can't even talk about this openly with anyone. Kissing is down to a peck on the cheek. He will show affection only in public, as a display I believe. All of the problems began from day one of the marriage including passive aggressive behavior, refusal to talk about any personal subjects like sex, negativity, and some childish behaviors.
The other problems I can cope with and have always been able to work through. Everyone is different, but they are not a deal breaker to me.
But the marriage is literally a sexless marriage. We have never had sex. Not even once. There are no medical issues. I have tried so many ways to discuss it and have never put pressure on him. I have explained to him that if it's psychological, I would be happy to at least feel like he wants to even if it's an Erectyle dysfunction issue for him. But I haven't ever had the feeling of being desired. I feel like that in itself based our marriage on a lie and years of my life have been stolen.
As a christian,I guess I'm looking for validation that a sexless marriage is reasonable grounds for divorce. If it was medical, I could live with it, but over the years he has never given me a reason or talked with me appropriately. We are able to discuss everything else without conflict but he won't talk about that.
Before marriage I told him I was uncomfortable with porn. I do not like it, while some people like it some don't. He assured me he had no interest in it whatsoever. About a year after marriage, I discovered he has an extreme porn fascination. Laptop shows log in to porn sites within ten minutes of me leaving the house.
Can I live this way forever? I doubt.
Wow what a world please you all pray and seek God's opinion before leaving oooo. My marriage was good at the beginning but my husband felt into a lady's trap and experience worst than this but with prayer home was restored . Hubby now run after me oooooo. After he started sleeping with the lady he no longer find me attractive and no sex for years .
I must also say poster! You do have a point but things aren't always black and white!! The other person my just never be into sex like that and it's always a burden. Sometimes, people deal with demons that have absolutely nothing to do with the other! Expecially if she shows affection in other areas aside sexual
Which makes me think of 4yrs! He must be living in a he'll of his own n carry you along in the journey coz not being able to satisfy his wife is another blow to his ego! Am just confused! Never heard of a thing like this. Good God!!
Wow!!my heart breaks for you all!! This is emotional abuse,living a prisoner in your home with so much emotions bottled up! Have you all tried counseling??
Am baffled at the lady with 4yrs of marriage and 0 sex??who can explain that? Do you think he is gay? Coz if he is into girls and just cheating,he'll give you some even if is once a year but never??this is definitely bigger than your average cheating story! Or he does have a medical issue but his ego is too large to talk about it. You need an annulment sef not divorce! No marriage is a marriage without sexual relations!
Am so sorry for all you pains and I hope God directs you to make the best decision for you. Pls don't let religion tie you down!!make a happy decision for yourself coz above all else, God is LOVE!
I'm in a similar situation. I've been married for 12 years with two children. My husband has cheated from day one and always has been emotionally bausive. 3 years into the marriage we decided he should go abroad and study for a masters in the U.K. He went there and started sleepers with a white young girl while I was pregnant for my second child. I finally went over to the uk as planned and discovered he was heavily into porn. Not just regular porn but shemale and homosexual porn…so sickening.He had a collection on his laptop. He was so evil to me and the kids prior to me discovering what he had been doing.
I confronted him and he blamed the white girl for introducing him to it which is a lie. Fast forward and he was still into porn. Watching it all the time even when the kids and I were sleeping. In the last 8 years I have been intimate with him 3 times. He is unrepentant and sick.
He pretends in public is an avid church goer and prayer warrior but only I know what a monster he is.
I have gone to so called men of God to intervene all they say is that I should just sleep with him and that it's my fault.
I decided that I was never sleeping with him again. He disgust me and I can't stand the sight of him. I have asked him to move out on several occasions. My family is not supportive so I have not to,d them about what I am facing. I am suffering alone.
It's not easy staying without affection and sex. As we mature and raise a family sex or intimacy become so important and helps with stress. It give encouragement and improves mood.