Hello Aunty Eya and fellow WC readers. Thank you for all your kind advice, a lot has been learnt by me and friends.Anty Eya please post this for me.I have been happily married for 1 year and halfbut the issues in my marriage family are disturbing my peace.Ever since I got married into this family, the only thing really glaring is the fact that my hubby is not
loved by in-laws.They don’t hide it and don’t care.
Should I join him and just live my life cos talking to him about this matter brings arguments.He says he doesn’t feel any attachment with them due to the maltreatment from when he was a child. His Mum and Dad separated,Step Mum came in and took care of him.She shows very glaring favoritism between him and her children.The children have no problem with themselves but their parents just can’t treat my husband like he deserves to be treated.As the first son and only child of his mother,they gave him the worst room in their mansion and treated his younger siblings like royalty. He doesn’t care cos he is building and planning to leave but I feel uncomfortable for him.He works in a different city and we only visit during long weekends and holidays.The treatment is very disrespectful.They never talk about whatever we bring as gifts.They try to make it seem we do not contribute anything but when his siblings do the smallest thing. They announce to the whole world.
Many times they starve us. They eat with style when we are not around and don’t keep for us. When we come down, all ingredients are locked up and the kitchen is just one.I can’t cook and many times we sneak out to buy food and eat. When we are leaving, they just wave bye but before siblings start planning return journey, my parent in-laws do so much shopping for foodstuff and make sure their car boot is filled to the brim.
I hate the way we are treated.The last time I encouraged hubby to raise the maltreatment matter during a family meeting, he did and we had to cut short our stay because a big quarrel ensued.What should I do please family? Shouldn’t I stop harassing him about them and just live my own life?
loved by in-laws.They don’t hide it and don’t care.
Should I join him and just live my life cos talking to him about this matter brings arguments.He says he doesn’t feel any attachment with them due to the maltreatment from when he was a child. His Mum and Dad separated,Step Mum came in and took care of him.She shows very glaring favoritism between him and her children.The children have no problem with themselves but their parents just can’t treat my husband like he deserves to be treated.As the first son and only child of his mother,they gave him the worst room in their mansion and treated his younger siblings like royalty. He doesn’t care cos he is building and planning to leave but I feel uncomfortable for him.He works in a different city and we only visit during long weekends and holidays.The treatment is very disrespectful.They never talk about whatever we bring as gifts.They try to make it seem we do not contribute anything but when his siblings do the smallest thing. They announce to the whole world.
Many times they starve us. They eat with style when we are not around and don’t keep for us. When we come down, all ingredients are locked up and the kitchen is just one.I can’t cook and many times we sneak out to buy food and eat. When we are leaving, they just wave bye but before siblings start planning return journey, my parent in-laws do so much shopping for foodstuff and make sure their car boot is filled to the brim.
I hate the way we are treated.The last time I encouraged hubby to raise the maltreatment matter during a family meeting, he did and we had to cut short our stay because a big quarrel ensued.What should I do please family? Shouldn’t I stop harassing him about them and just live my own life?
Abeg join support your husband. If you like kill yourself for them, they won't appreciate. when someone doesn't love you, do nt try, let them be. It comes right from the heart. If he is not in their hearts, there is nothing you or him can do.
Build your own house and leave them with thrir nuclear kids. mtcheeew.
I can relate with your story, just that I no wan vex this night cos if I do, my comment will turn into a long blog post for Aunty Eya. My God have mercy on them and raise me up higher than their wishes.
Dear poster,I'll ask u nt 2 b worried abt deir ill treatments rada focus on moving 2 ur own place,stand solidly by ur hubby n neva stop praying 4 ur hubby's success,I bet u,a tym wil come wen dey'l desperately need ur hubby's help n I hope as a gud woman dat I want 2 bliv u r,u wnt stop him 4rm helpin dem. Lyf is always lyk dat.
I wud advice you to calm down bcos of yr husband, if he survive d mistreatment wen he was a child why not now . after all he is building his own house and i want to believe dat both of u ar adults, food shudn't be a problem continue buyiyng at least it is for a moment. U can't force dem to love, if they cud not love yr hubby for more than 2 decade why wud they love u both now? And i want to believe dat u knew all dis things b4 u decided to marry yr hubby and live wit him there, if dey don't love u , u can't force it. And pls stop telling yr hubby to bring up d issue during family meeting. Who knows wat will happen if u people will be driven out of d house. If i was d one i will make aggrrssive savings to rent a small apartment even if it is a self contain, bcos dis is like hell on earth. And if u ar a stay at home wife pls look for something to occupy yrself wit. Let it not be dat u ar d one pushing him, have a nice day.
You and ur husband are weaklings.First son u say,hmmm,no comment abeg
Support your hubby all the way!
From my calculations, your hubby is the heir apparent to his dad's property (according to my own tradition and most of Niger-delta) really don't know where ur hubby is from. From tradition, the 1st son gets everything his father owns except he decides to share it or the man has a special arrangement like a will. He needs to watch out for his head.
I understand his step mom's hatred and that of his half-brothers, but I don't understand that of his father, or probably the woman (step-mom) calls the shot.
All I can say is, you both need to thread carefully… Remember the story of Joseph, you can go back to that story in your bible you could learn a lot to save this situation.
As sm1 rightly said above, you cannot force som1 to love you, you can only make them realize their wrongs with time.
Nuff'Said!
Chubby Ella, your words are full of wisdom. Sure
Ace is in the spirit today.
Hmm Dear poster,stepmum issue is a vry serious 1,@ Ace is lyk u said d woman cals d shot dts y d Dad is involved.my Mum has passed thru dat n it was nt easy,bt u knw wt?b4 my Mum died she was d 1 providin 4 olmost evry1 n evrytn in dia family,stepmum,dad n half siblins.so pls stand solidly behind ur hubby n 4get bout dem n I assure u ur hubby ll bcom wt dey dnt want him 2 b n he'l b d 1 providin 4 dem,so pls let ur hubby b n olso both of u shd b careful cos dey can do n undo.
How do you make someone remember their wrong with time?
1. Don’t let their wrong rub off on you – hubby should not be bitter towards them. is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die
2. Make a success out of your own life – take charge of your future (remember Jabez (1Chron4:9-10).
3. Live humbly to show that God is your refuge and strength – no one can fight against God.
4. Be good to them; even when they don’t appreciate it. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you (Prov 25:22).
Irrespective of the treatment, let your hubby show/demonstrate love to parents – honour them. How? For example, remember their anniversary, give steady fixed allowance to them, buy food stuff for the house, contribute to the up-keep of the house, etc.
Be bold in the things you do – sneaking out to eat once in a while is not a good idea. You hold no one the obligation of announcing what you want to do.
It is not a good idea for married couples to live under the same roof with parents (except you’re on holidays for a short while). Depending on how long it will take to complete your personal apartment, hubby might have to consider renting a place close to where he works…, except there are other major constraints.
Dear poster, to me, your relative is someone you ' Relate' with, with affection.
From that definition, if I have a twin brother that treats me like crap, and I have a church member who shows me love, the church member is my brother while my twin brother is just my father's son. Period!
Many Nigerians have entered a lot of trouble and even lost their lives all because they want to put their 'blood' families as priority. There is no relative in Heaven. So apart from preaching the word of God to ur family and showing them love, you dnt owe them anything and they dnt owe you anything. That's all. Many of us should learn to divorce our minds from taking our family members as the ultimate. There are so many people who do not have siblings or parents but still went on to be the best they can be.
I am not saying that it is wrong to relate well with ur family, No. All I am saying is that relationship is not forced. If they dnt want you, pls dust ur slippers and take a long walk! I still remember the story of the guy who was killed by his elder brother because he came home to settle a quarrel between his brother and mum. Ever since Cain and Abel, sibling rivalry has been there and has been manifesting in different areas to different dangerous degrees.
Look for people you can truly call ur family cos every one needs one no matter what. You have church members, friends and so on. 'Blood is thicker than water. But the Spirit is thicker than blood'. Once your spirit and another person's spirit agrees, hold on to them. Nowadays blood is no longer thicker than water o… It has been further diluted by end time things. That's why we hear of all kinds of abomination! Choi! We have heard a lot o! What of the man that kept his mum's corpse… You know what, lemme not go there.
So my epistle is just to help you put ur mind to rest. Yes, you want peace but dear, live to fight another day. You guys shudav moved tey tey since. But it's not too late. Just focus all ur energy on saving enuff and planning ur future.
Pls permit me to use personal example. My mum came from a large polygamous home with 3 wives and 23 children. At a point in their lives, all they did was fight, hate and curse. Now that they are all old men and women and have lost some siblings along the way, all they do is hug, support, gist, party and try endlessly to make all their kids become bffs…. Lol! So dear, this too shall pass! (As long as diabolism and witchcraft is not involved o. Dat one needs hot prayers).
All the best!
Sura the Tailor! No be only thread ! Na "tread" … Thank me now 😀
U shld evn b mindful of eatin der fud sef. R u nt allowed 2 cuk? Dnt wait 4 dem 2 evn offer u fud. Go 2 d mkt n buy wht u nid, com hom cuk 4 ya hubby. If e remain fyn. If it doesn't evn beta. Mtchew peo can b annoyin. If dey no send una, mak una no send dem too. Bt dnt do it lyk quarrel o! Jst show dem dt ur hubby is d most importnt pers 2 u n u can giv him all d luv he nids
Serious weaklings o! Even complaining about them not giving them food! Imagine! So wife no fit cook for her husband? Person wey dey build no fit afford small change buy foodstuff make his wife cook make dem chop?? Instead make dem even happy say dem no give dem food put somfin inside 4 dem… Smh
Thank u Adhasy, true talk. Some parents dey hate their pikin not to talk of the one wey dem no born.
I bet u dt woman must b diabolic.
For even d dad t join his wife in maltreating his own son…nne m,ogbaro aka,ihe soo ya
Madam the earlier commenters have said it all,this is very simple its obvious they don't need your association,why try force it. You should occupy your thought on how to better your own family and stop seeking the affection of those that least desire your company.
Your husband understands his family more than you do,plz leave things the way they're before they find an excuse to hurt your husband from your actions.
You're complaining they don't give you food,so you'll be willing to accept food from such unfriendly relatives?
My dear be worried on how your hubby will complete his building so u both can move out.
~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA3310
haba babe this is too long,can't read,learn to make your comment short and straight to the point.. Thank me later.
Ishaka….
@fabulous, thank ur God u had ur mum wit u all tru ur childhood life, ask those, whose childhood was devoid of their mum but raised tru step mum, and see what they pass tru, this is a man who has no bro or sis, only him, can one person win a battle wit a whole family, cos d man's father is not helping issues, who knws d kind of step mum the woman is, someone who locks d kitchen, where do u xpect dem to cook? Nxt time Read in btw the lines b4 commenting
Way 2 long. Cud hav written all dat in 1 paragraph.
Don't be silly, how much is hot plate or stove that they can't buy? If people wanna get married I can forgive them if they can't afford to have their own home or rent an apartment quickly, cos of course its expensive and all fingers are not equal, but common! They shld be able to afford atleast basic stuff like an electric cooker , stove, utensils and pots.. Even if na d cheapest 1 wey dey market.. If they can't then they shouldn't av gotten married in the first place cos its clear they weren't ready..
For ma house sef if gas finishes we dey use firewood or charcoal frm d bbq grill for our backyard especially if its dinner n its too late to do a refill or somfin,, stop sounding as if the food matter na biggie! Its really trivial and shouldn't even be consequential to the matter at hand at allllll!!
Not too long for me please o. I enjoyed every bit of that advice. Yu can make it longer. I prefer long quality to long or short empty. You gave good points Ahdaisy. Carry go gurl.
Thank you Ahdaisy.
Thanks Barbie and Jayne.. 🙂 @Barbie, I like the name.
@Jayne, na my hand tire me, I cud av written a book on this issue.. Lol.. Anywys, My comment was not for everybody.
@Anon 9:06, O kwa eziokwu o! So many things in this life are not ordinary. May God help us all.
Dear Oluwatosin, it is because of comments like these that we seem more and more to be losing the capacity for intellectual discuss in Nigeria. How are we ever going to contribute to developing the Nigeria of our dreams if we are unable to communicate. This forum is a platform to rub minds and take life lessons, if you feel a comment is too long by all means skip it!
But remember as you skip it that you may be missing out on valuable information that may come in handy in your life or even in the life of someone close to you.
Bottomline let us be civil, and comment graciously, it is not really necessary to comment if your comment will not be adding any value other than to rubbish a sensible contribution from someone else. Think long term in everything you do, have you ever considered that comments such as yours will keep countless smart people from commenting and thus rob this blog of something that is core to its fabric – a place to learn and grow!!!
@tosin Williams nd anon 9;55am, u guys cnt advice cos of ur empty brains nd yet u dey tackle someone dt can advice….wetin b una own Sef? R u d poster? D comments ain't for u guys biko@Ada pls if u like do 20paragraph I ll read all….I look forward to ur comment. God bless u heavy
From what u are sayin, you and your husband are no longer welcome into his father's house I guess not for even jst a night. They do not want you guys there anymore, is it that hard to understand? Why is it that you both want to be doing do or die family members? You know wat they say now?.. Water is thicker than blood sometimes.. And this is one of the times. My advice is you and ur husband visit and go home nt visit and sleep over for days.
To those complaining that Ada's comment is too long, haba!!!
she didn't post them for you guys. It was simply for the poster and others in her shoes reading silently who are in dire need of advice.
My heart goes out to you and your hubby, you will be surprised how many people have a this same issue or similar stories as urs. You have to let these people be cos personally i believe only God can truly change the heart of anyone. Put all ur energy into loving and supporting your hubby and remember not to pay their evil back with evil. In time you will be shocked how the rejected stone becomes the Corner stone. You and ur hubby should get your own place regardless of how small and build ur family with love and hard work.
BEST OF LUCK
Rubynnia you are absolutely right. When I was the poster in need of advice… I read every reply…word for word… and sometimes I would read them again the following day. As for this post, I don't believe that I need to reply…for others have given her some wonderful advice. I send my prayers to them.
American Wife
I usually don't respond to peepz like you but I had to return your favor.
(1) this is not LIB, SDK or LLB, we don't correct grammar and if we have to we do it politely not in a condescending manner…
(2) Just like Natasha told Koketso… I am Nigerian (Edo/Esan) not english.
(3) I want to ask you… If you've never made a grammatical error in your whole life least to say of an "homonym".
(4) Your life will be better if you know the right way to help others… That is why we are on this blog, to SEEK, LEARN & HELP no boedy dey form monkey here..
(5) I am not perfect, we often make dis mistakes due to oversight or phone auto-text, I see them sometimes and come back to correct myself… Real WC followers see this tinz and just look off.
Nuff'Rants
Please I beg you let him be!!! In his mind, he doesn't have a family, his only family is YOU and the children that will come!
He knows them more than you, so please hear ye him! Your priority should be:
1. Your husband and marriage.
2. You both are living together in love, peace and harmony, which is the most important and not trying to force others to love you.
3. How to get the house ready without further delay.
Atleast, your in laws aren't giving your marriage wahala or are they? Which do you prefer: relating with in-laws who interfere and cause trouble in your marital affairs or those who don't?
I'm not too comfortable with you guys lodging with them. You both keep going to where you aren't wanted. I wonder how you guys can sleep and live comfortably there.
Your hubby may be okay with it since he's used to it but what of you? Haven't you ever been fearful for once? Anytime you both go visiting, do you feel at ease?
Is it possible to rent a place even if it's self contained just to have that peace and rest of mind, and you can cook and both eat as you like?
Please when it comes to in laws issues, let your DH handle it and vice versa for you too. Also, try to keep to your lane; it would do your mind and body a whole lot of good.
They may despise him now but I see him becoming the bedrock of that family. If he hasn't arrived, no family meeting will hold. It will happen; life ALWAYS repeats itself.
You are so right American wife. Even when I am not the poster, I still read everyone's advice word for word cos you never can tell when you will need such info. I always remember the Slum Dog Millionaire story. In the end, it was one isolated event, experience or the other that helped him win.
Anon 11, Ruby and Nicole. Thanks guys. But one thing I have realized is that with Ahdaisy it is one thing or the other. They become restless when they dnt see my comment to attack cos they love to hate me. So anyhow, I keep them entertained. 🙂
Ahdaisy,u act all self righteous when using your name but sound very bitter when commenting as annonymous.your comments were easy to spot out because you have a distintive way of writing.Am not criticizing you,just saying try not to allow people make you insultive.From all indication you are a christain.God be with us all.amen
you and ur hubby should get a self contain apartment and manage it as long as you have your peace. how long is this house going to take before its completed? you want to be suffering till then. get a self con abeg. shior
Dear Poster, ya giving yourself headache oh. I know. Nobody wants to feel like they are a 'Cinderella' to their in-laws. But mehn, you have to wake up. IT IS WHAT IT IS. Okay?
1. Do you guys have to keep going to the mansion headquarters? Like, do you? Why go to where you aren't welcome and treated right? Abi you like the weekend drama? Give yourself some weekend peace and go lodge in a hotel for the weekend instead 🙂
2. You sneak to buy food? Like seriously? Okay, my eyes are deceiving me. I didn't read that part well. If na me, when they are eating eba and soup, I will majestically go to one tush place and buy food and do them 'longer throat'. But instead, you are doing 'sneaky sneaky'. Abeg o.
3. Your husband's case sounds like a 'Cinderella' case where she was maltreated by her step mom, but went on to become the better child with a better future. It also reminds me of what Jesus said "The stone which was REJECTED, has now become the CORNERSTONE".
4. You guys aren't welcome, it's not rocket science. Don't push it. Walk away.
5. Channel your energy on praying to your Father in heaven for your husband to become a Cornerstone. Channel your energy in ensuring you give your husband all the love he never got. Channel your energy at raising your kids in a home filled with love from both parents.
6. Pray to God to bless your in-laws, make them repent and let their eyes be opened. But in the mean time, keep your distance.
I think the poster implies that she is not allowed to cook in her parents inlaws kitchen that's why she can't cook. So her and her hubby have to make do with whatever they are being given to eat or go out to eat.
Am I right poster?
@fab,no mind d anon jare.every small thing na blog mata wetin come happen to common sense naa
Ahdaisy even me sef. I try to always make sure I read all comments cos I don't know where I will learn something new and it has been rewarding.
But what made me comment here was cos I just wanted to say something. People that were scholars in school (sec and university) are masters at writing epistles. Make sense epistles. Your epistle makes sense and it wasn't even too long IMO.
Ace, so you are Esan? Esan people are nice (according to my mummy).
Abeg, cool down for Jesus.
@Ace na to go world bank go collect ur reward for being a real WC follower.. *rme* Achievement! Congratulobia!
How Sura the tailor is condescending now I wan know.
FYI, I never make grammatical errors :p .. Bite me! Lmaoooo!
E dey pain e dey pain! *azonto* *etighi* *alingo*…
Be lying on auto text there, for ur intro in ur profile make u correct the "luanched", it is "launched" .. Don't be ashamed to thank me na! Ace Bentley,Bugatti,Maserati!
Messing wiv ya!
If you can't sense that from my first reply then too bad …
I have learnt to give people their space and not force friendship or family relationships. He's your husband, please respect his decision especially when the said people aren't interested in building relationship with your own family. Wish them well and bear no grudges in you heart towards them.
Ace nice to know you're my edo brother. Let me refer to your first paragraph as regards inheritance. People don't wait for that anymore. I remember when my grandfather passed away, he willed his 6hectare cocoa plantation to my father as his first son. But his step brothers promised him death if they get any information about his intention to cultivate the land. I honestly can't remember when my dad went to the village.
So the posters husband shouldn't assume the step siblings will keep calm and allow the will or law take its cause
yOU ARE RIGHT LIZZY
Ahdaisy you are right. Family are those who you truly open up and let into your life.
I understand the animosity from the step-mum, but not from the dad (ur father-in-law).
Has ur husband ever told u why he, being the first-born, is being treated that way by his own father.
Judging from their actions I don't think u guys should be staying over when u visit. They even begrudge u food! Ha!!!
Iyesosa, since you can decipher between writings, you can as well say I am also Jay, Ace and Rubynnia because we write alike. There are some comments even from Anons I see and I wonder if I typed it in my sleep.
You make an assumption and advise me based on it. Pls keep ur advice to urself! I dont need ur two cents. These days evryone seems to want to dash me their chicken change. I dnt remember asking for it! If you are not sure of something, just hold your peace.
I have said this a thousand times, I DO NOT COMMENT AS ANONYMOUS! I no send anybody. There are times when my innocent comments have been perceived as condescending, rude and so on. Whateva mehn! I still make similar comments and I still use my ID. Cos I am waiting for the day someone will flog me or jail me for saying my mind.
So, sorry to disappoint you. I know you wish it's me coming as anonymous but pls, I do not have an alter ego or split personality. I try to be nice to everyone but when you decide to do anyhow, I'll change it for you. Maybe you shud use a Google account so that I'll know that you are not the same anonymous that can't seem to get over me!
P.S, sorry if I sound harsh. I just had to take this personal cos you have been following me from post to post saying the same thing. Are you not a christian urself? What does the bible say about false accusations? Or you think you are anonymous to God?
*In Ace's voice* Nuff said! And this is the last time I'll address this issue.
Lmao!!!!!!!!
Learn to ignore some comments pls . I bet u ,u won't regret. Protect your personality and reputation and guard it jealously. Resist every attempt to be joining issues every now and then no matter ur intentions.
Gbam!your true character is out.try and have control over your temper.As for the google account,I will surely get one but before then I will keep using my name.
I think you should be thankful that they don't share food with you because who knows what they might put in it? It may just be a blessing in disguise.
You said you only visit on long weekends and holidays so you obviously don't live with them so I suggest you and hubby should love them from a distance because its clear that they want nothing to do with you both. You can go to visit them, play your part as their children (even if they don't regard you as such), buy stuff for them, pray for them that God changes their attitude towards you, leave cash for them, etc but unless absolutely necessary, do not sleep in their house. Just pay a visit and leave the same day.
Since the other children don't have an issue with you and your hubby, you could still maintain your relationship with them.
Another thing, what about your husband's mother and your own parents? How's your hubby's relationship with them? If they aren't close, I think you should work on your hubby to change that so that at least he can get some form of the parental care he's been denied of all these years.
All the very best!
Thank youAunty Eya for posting my story. God bless you. For everyone who took time to advise me am most grateful. I had to show my hubby this comments and we are grateful you helped us see things a different way. We won't spend the night anymore. Visit and leave same day. For those who asked about his biological mother, she remarried and has kids with her present hubby. That fam is nice, we got no issues with them and they love us.
Thank you everyone.
Fab is a compound fool who achieved all house hold gadget at home and at abroad under a year of marriage; don't just glance tru any post b4 commenting but rather read b4 u comment
I'm happy we could help you guys. In addition to what MrsB said regarding his mother's family and yours, let him connect more with them since they are cool with him.
Remember that anyone who shows you love and care is family whether blood related or not. Always be around those who care for your wellbeing.
Don't bother yourself with them. It's deir loss not urs. I feel u have to support your husband and take care of your family.