Goodmorning Mrs Eya, I need help from wives connection blog. My husband and I met and got married after a brief courtship which was mostly long distance because we work in different cities. Before the wedding, I tried my best to get a transfer to join him but perhaps because I work in a private firm, that wasn’t possible. We then decided that after the wedding we’ll reschedule and ensure all weekends are spent together.
To make that possible, it was his idea that we buy a house in the town where I live, and that I spend my money on our wedding but that he’ll surely refund when the bulk
money he’s expecting arrives. I did.
In short, I really need some insight here, I’m becoming a mess and losing my mind. It’s gone 3Pm in the afternoon and I’m in bed in tears,didn’t even go to church today, while my husband is downstairs humming to himself and browsing the Internet without an apparent care in the world he’s upset me!
paying part sum for the house and wedding expenses happening almost at the same time… Every time I was anxious about the affordability of it all and stressed about money he would reassure me that I wouldn’t be paying for it all on my own. Well I’ve paid for more than double my fair share on my own not to mention paying for my own personal needs too, like My younger brother in the University and my aged dad back home.
Now, when I raise concerns about money, I get told how I knew what money he had towards it all and I’d reassured him it was doable and if I am worried then to pull out of the purchase. I also got to pay for the entire wedding on my own. He recently had the bulk money he was expecting paid. Money that he said he’d let me have towards the debts I’ve accumulated at work paying for ‘our’ wedding. The cheque arrived and he spent it on himself, it’s all gone, I didn’t see a kobo of it.
Money aside, I feel like I’ve shouldered the responsibility of huge financial undertakings on my own and jumped through hoops to make sure it all happened, including selling my car to pay towards things and I get no support. This morning when I said I was disappointed he didn’t give me the wedding expenditure money as he’d said he would. That degenerated into an argument which I ended by saying whenever I raise the topic of money he gets angry and it degenerates into an argument and how we should be able to discuss finances, its fundamental. His response? If we can’t talk about money lets split up or do whatever you want.
Money matters aside, where I am starting to feel like I’ve been taken for a ride, on a personal level things aren’t great either. We’ve been married less than a year. Before we got married every morning he would cuddle up to me and tell me how much he loved me and how wonderful I was. Now mostly the first thing he grabs when he wakes up is his phone, he barely engages in any conversation and when I say to him it’s at least polite to ask about my day, he now makes a point of asking with a fake smile ‘how was your day dear’ making a point that he’s asked about it like I said he should be doing. If I ask him for input on anything at all I get ‘don’t mind babe’ as response yet if I suggest anything I’m accused of being controlling! I’ve recently realised that his complaining about me to my friends in front of me when we see them has become a pattern.
Recently he met a friend of mine and her husband for the first time and spent most of it complaining that I do this that or the other. I was shocked and spent my time trying to play it down! When I raise these things with him I get told I have no sense of humour, that he was just joking.
This morning he announces he has issues with me, that we are poles apart. Basically I had a difference of opinion on a topic to him and that’s emphasised to him how poles apart we are then he just got up and left me in tears and is now humming downstairs and carrying on like nothing has happened. I can’t take this any more, I really don’t understand why and what to do. The marriage is still too young and it would have been easy for me to just walk away since there’s no baby yet but I’ve invested too much, invested everything.
What is this one nau? What is wrong with the man? Why did you pay for ur own wedding poster, who does that? To many things I am very angry at you right now for.
I think you should ignore him a little, give him space, do you wifely duties but don't send him. Dress cute, socialise with friends, keep the longing in his head, stop bringing your money to the home, save up for your self chic, always ask him for money at every slight opportunity, let him live up to his responsibilities as the man, I feel he is relented because you are comfortably doing them without asking. And as humans we tend to be forgetful. So my dear when he returns to his town you can stuck up your house, when he is back honey stop paying bills. Even whilst he is away ask for funds. Then Prayer. I cant over emphasis that option. I hope his brain reboots soon.
Goodluck dear.
Please ignore typo errors and punctuation. I guess I was slightly angry after reading her post.
Exactly what Habibi said!!
I'm sorry poster but you already started your marriage on the wrong footing. Most times, it is the way you start with men that leads to all these issues in marriage. How do I know?
My hubby lost his job (bank downsizing) shortly after we got married. That means I shouldered all the responsibilities in the home front for a while before he was able to get another job, including needs for our new baby. Fast forward to when he got a job, he picked up few bills and insisted we share most other bills, because he knew I could afford them. I didn't complain because we were earning about the same thing then.
Now he earns more than me and has still refused to take up additional responsibilities. We even have two kids and I buy everything down from soap to baby food for these kids, not a single increment in our feeding allowance since we got married (infact he even reduced it when our first baby turned two that he is about to start paying school fees). So my dear I blame myself because I started off the marriage by letting him know I could shoulder family load even if he is not working. Maybe if I had let him borrow or start driving keke napep for the over one year he was applying for jobs he would have known that he is meant to be the main provider in the house.
My happiness is that God has been and will continue to bless me. Also I wont do this for ever. He spends the bulk of his money drinking beer while I spend most of mine attending to children's needs. My happiness is that the children are growing and will be old enough to see things for themselves some day and also make explicit demands for money from him. And even if he tries to escape from that one too, one day the kids will grow and leave the house and I can start enjoying my money again.
I cant advise you to leave your husband because of money issues but if you decide to stay ensure that when the kids start coming he shoulders their needs down to the last kobo (fees, food, diapers, detergent, etc). Because kids are very expensive to maintain and no matter how much a man spends on kids, there is no how mum wont still get to do expenses on them. I It is well with you my dear.
Oh wow, thank you for sharing.