Hi Madam Eya and Wc, please help me with. My head is confused this morning. Family members are even making things worse. My husband of 20 years is taking another wife and my aged parents are OK with it. I married him at 19. After secondary school, every other Education I got was while married to him. He was very supportive during my schooling days studying Economics and making babies. He stood by me all those years paying my school fees and the children’ without complaining.
so am not yet forty, am still a young woman who tries her best to look good and take care of her family.
We are from different tribes and it has not been easy. His family kicked against our marriage in the beginning but when we continued, they began to accept me and things have been fine all these years. I have two girls for him and he has always loved his family.
Recently, my husband’s trips to his village have trippled. He spends practically every holiday at home using the excuse of checking up on the project at his home town. Even weekends are not left out, whenever there is a long weekend, he travels for one reason or the other.
I have a few friends from his village so I trust that what am hearing is true. He and his family are secretly planning to marry a very young girl without my knowledge. According to the source that informed me, the lady will not come to stay with us here in Lagos, she’ll either move in with his aged parents or he’ll get a place for her.
His ways have been very not straight forward lately, when he is packing to travel and I try to ask a few questions, he gets agitated, says I ask too many questions and all that. This is a man I’ve grown to love and respect. I never knew anyone else before he came to ask for my hand in mrriage. In my tribe, marrying more than one wife is not common, men stay loyal to their one wife even though for his tribe I think polygamy is not really frowned at. I married him so young and have never developed the guts for confrontation. I know some people would think that confronting him is the best thing to do but will that change anything? What if I do and he says it’s true?
I haven’t been able to sleep well ever since I heard about their marriage plans. I just don’t know what to do. Am just praying that the girl is not pregnant already. He always said that he’s ok with our daughters and didn’t even allow me to try again since they were both delivered by Caesarean Section. I don’t know if it’s my inability to give him a male child that’s causing this new development or his parents mounting pressure on him. I suggested to him once that we adopt a male child but he didn’t like it and continued to say that our girls are more than enough for him, that he loves his daughters. Now I don’t understand anymore.
Please people help me. Am very confused and tired.
I need advise.
I can't take that rubbish if I were you poster.
Dump his weak soul.
My advice to you is to run to the Presence of God and pour out your heart to Him. God has a special interest in marriage and He will surely intervene. You are the wife of your husband's youth and he cannot justify bringing another woman into your lives after all you have been through together.
Take it to God in prayers. It is well
Take it to God the most high. Pray for his intervention. You are his wife. Pray for your marriage on your knees. Tell him what you want. With God nothing is impossible to those who believe!
Yes,take it 2God in prayers backed by positive actions. Pray b4 communicating wit him,u r a woman(use dat power as a woman),wat does he lyk? Prepare his best fud,b cool 2him for some days and open up 2him wit prayers! Communication is d best form cos if u don't tell him wats in ur mind,God forbid u die of hypertension and anoda person takes ur place(God forbid). My sister afta all u av done and he's not changing,leave him but make sure anytin u both buy shld now and henceforth b in ur name.e.g Mr Ben and Mrs Lara so so.Pls,don't kill ur sef cos dats nt d end,b there 4ur children @least he has not said u shld pack out and he wldnt. If u die cos of one man's foolishness,wat u fear d most will happen and I forbid a wicked step moda takes care of ur children in dier fathers house. ADEYANJU
Jazmyn and anonymous 9:27 AM, What kind of advice are you both given? The poster has not even confirmed it yet and you both are spewing rubbish. Mtcheeeew. You think its easy to divorce? or you thinks its healthy to raise kids in a broken marriage? With all due respect, dumping him should be the last option in this issue, because there are a lot of other options to be considered that has not been considered, at least she has not talked to the husband about this issue
I suspect his wanting to get married to a second wife are motivated by two things,
1)He wants a male child or
2)Pressure from his families members and maybe friends also
The truth is that you are not sure yet, like its not a fact that he wants to get married to a second wife, because you only heard it from friends, so I think it will be wise you do your own investigation and also confront him. You asked if confronting him will change anything? It might change a whole lot of things, confronting him doesn't mean starting an issue with him, its asking him, put it in form of a statement, like its a fact you know, like telling him directly that you know he wants to get a second wife, but all you want to know is why he wants to.
Some of the things that might change after confronting him include:
1) Your mind will be at rest because its now a fact and not just something you heard from friends, and your mind is better placed to be at peace, and u can sleep well, because if its male child motivated you will know you have been a good wife, and its not your fault that you don't have a male child, God has his reasons for that and there is nothing you can do to change that
2). Confronting him present an opportunity for dialogue, like pleading with him not to go ahead with the plan, so their are chances that you might convince him
Also I think your husband loves and respect you, that's why he wants to keep it away from you, and he disagreed with the idea in the first place out of love for you and not wanting to hurt you, but his family members would have presented that idea of keeping it secret and that the new wife stays with the grandmother as disguise or that he rent an apartment somewhere else for her, some men will show disrespect to their wife by choking their wife with the idea of a new wife.
On the day you'll ask him, prepare him a special meal, his best meal with your money, look sexy and most importantly pray before going to ask him, and if you can't convince him to change his mind, then leave it to God in prayer, because there is nothing you can do aside praying, continue being a good wife, love him, and take care of your children, invest for the future, don't wear yourself out by crying or thinking, just take it in good faith and be happy with yourself that your have been a good wife and have done your best and whatever will be, will be, there is little or nothing anybody can do to change whatever will be. You deserves to be happy, so don't let a man or the idea of sharing your husband with a second wife take away your power and right to happiness. No matter what happens, life goes on
God is your best friend, take the problem to him, he will carry your burden. God bless you
Your comment will be visible after approval
Alloy, God bless you for this response.
Alloy chikezie, I couldn't have said it better. God bless you more with wisdom and the desires of your heart for this advice.
Ah men!men!!men!!!,what did we women did to u people,my sister I know how u feel,is even painful to ask the man self but dear pooster even in this hour of trials u have to be strong,happy and enjoying,do u know why?(1) you are not barren (2) you still have chance to have a male child cos CS is done three times(3) that other woman may even end up producing female children for ur hubby if is true he wants another woman. My sister u have every right to be happy so that ur girls will be more than a man in feature even if the other woman give birth to a boy don't just bother just make sure u don't plan evil against them or any other person,u will see how omnipotent our Lord is.is well.
Amen! God bless you also @anonymous 2:31 PM
Your comment will be visible after approval
Amen! God bless you also LNC and bless you with wisdom and your heart desires also
Your comment will be visible after approval
Typical of a man response to issues. Wear sexy dress, cook his favourite meal and if he still wants to marry the woman…dress the bed with a new bed sheet you bought with own money and ask him to make love to the new wife with it.
Alloy, do you have an idea that you are talking to a wife/human being about her husband she loves?
She has emotions running through her.
Dear poster? Feel free to cry if you want to, cry until you have no tears left in you…but realize when it it time to stop. Talk to your husband about it, if you want to scream at him…please do (you are not a robot) but do not insult him, if you want to cry when talking to him…please do but never you beg him not to marry another wife…do not beg. Let him know all both of you have gone through , the sad moment and the happy moment especially how you are thankful for all his love and the education he paid for. You can cry as the mood leads you when reflecting on this but do not BEG HIM NOT TO MARRY ANOTHER WIFE BECAUSE that is when he will hurry and marry her.
Do not kill him either.
DIM
Most importantly,Talk to Jesus about it…the heart of a king is in the hands of the lord.
DIM
Alloy nice one, always love your comment
Na wa ooo wetin we no go see… men ooooo abeg my sister confront him.
Pray?? Okay o, nothing wrong with that, but ask him this night…do not go to sleep feeling this heavy, the earlier you know what you are dealing with the faster you will respond….cook and pray…naija people I hail una
Wow the toughest part of your e-mail for me is i'm getting the sense you don't even have what it takes to leave him ie you can't afford to leave him.
everybody knows what they can tolerate and if you can tolerate a second wife, by all means stay with him. in fact, if u can tolerate it, there's really no point asking him about it anyway. you can just let things happen. if you can't take it and want to leave, then the issue becomes how to take care of your kids and whether he will continue to provide for you guys. if he will provide for them, then tell him straight up, if you marry another woman, i will leave. don't fall for the lie that your girls will be happier if you stay. it's a lie lie lie. watching their father treat you badly is a sure way to raise messed up girls
Madam, please calm down. What is done up to this stage is done.
First and foremost, please don't listen to all those telling you to dump him
If you were my daughter, I would say be more proactive but then my daughter would have more resources that would enable her to be independent.
For women like you, it is what it is and I doubt you have the emotional, family and financial support that you need to disengage yourself from a situation you do not like
So keeping the cultural context in mind, I would advice that you first console yourself with the fact that he is not replacing you. Some husbands marry a second wife but first they will chase out the first wife with nothing to her name. So to an extent, you still have a leeway.
You continue doing your part in the house, make your home an inviting and loving environment for your sanity and the sanity of your children.
But I beg you in the name of God, start saving up some money without your husband's knowledge. If he cannot tell you that he is marrying a new wife, then you do not have to tell him you have a bank account.
Your husband might have good intentions towards you and may wish to remain married to you but the problem is that the other woman might be the competitive and manipulative type and she might orchestrate your husband divorcing you. So you also have to be prayerful.
I think however that you have to eventually let him know that you know. He is your husband, ask him in a non-confrontational way what his plans are towards you now that he has a second wife. Tell him that whatever he wants to do, he should fear God
If I were you, I would not initiate sex with him because the fear of STD is the beginning of wisdom.
Lastly (should have been first), pray to God. I know people love to scorn at this advice these days and I wouldn't say it if there was domestic violence involved but honestly, there is nothing wrong with fighting for what is yours. When God answers your prayers, forgive him this one chance, but be prepared financially in case he strays again.
Thanks everyone. I confronted him last night and he did not deny it. it is well, haven't been able to sleep since then. Thank you for all the advice. appreciated.
it is well my dear, please remain calm for the sake of your children and let its conscience judge him. Please ask him why he wants to do that, please dont fight him leave him to God. and more importantly, start saving rigorously and find something to start doing or look for a job. it seems your children are grown up that can take care of themselves in your absence
Does anyone know what became of the African Chic that blogs, the Ghanaian girl that was posting Cecil Tyson's photo as her own and then mistakenly outed herself by posting herself on a plane en route to Dubai? No trying to out her but I do miss her a bit because she had interesting kiss from America. Anyone heard from her?
+interesting gists*
Ohhh nooo. No matter how u try to dismiss it, it hurts to see the one you love ,loving someone else but however nothing is impossible with God he can make ur hubby change his mind even at the last minute before the marriage rites are concluded. I pray God will intervene
e hugs to you madam. This too shall pass!
So sorry to hear about this, my honest advice is for you to go to God in prayers, dont talk to your husband about it again, Tell God that any plan to scatter your marriage he should cancel it. Also I would advice you to save money for a place just in case he decides to bring the woman into your home because if she gives birth to a boy there is nothing stopping her from using it as leverage to move into the home and that would not be an ideal situation for you and your kids
My dear, u are not alone,God is your strength. I know is not easy but God will give u the grace to overcome it. My happiness is that u had not even a child but children. Male or female does not matter, take care of ur children is the end that justify it. May our good Lord be with u.
if he marries a second wife, he has displaced you. it might make you feel better to think well, i'm still here but sister, you're not. He has cheated on you and you are his door mat for staying with him. Pack your stuff and leave. Go
Lol! Your response is very funny. Very good advice l though.
Alloy. I'm sorry but I don't fully agree with your response. She should get angry if that's how she feels. Our cry in front of him if that how she feels. A woman can't pretend that everything is ok and be nice all the time. Deep down inside she will feel resentment.
@ Poster, If he decides to marry a second wife, there's nothing you can do about it. It's either you stay with him and endure whatever comes out of your situation or leave him. Personally I will advice you to stay but get more active and busy other than your family. Do you have a Job/business? Make your own money. It could have been worse though. What if he threw you out or brought in the girl into your home? There are lots of women whose hubby have wives/concubine (with kids) outside their home. Some of them know, some don't while some others pretend such doesn't exist. If your hubby still loves and respect you, please find a way and make yourself happy. He might be ok with the girls but the pressure from home did make him think otherwise. Besides, who says God can give you a male child???
Madame, please think before you decide. Some comments have have said my mind. If you decide to leave, congrats to the new madam cos she now has the main house and husband to her self. She has no competitor, her life has just been made easier by you. If you leave, that won't change him, it's your children that will be sad about the separation. Do you have what it takes to be happy without him?
I didn't want to comment here since I know some Anonymouses are waiting to pounce. Waiting to hear me say LEAVE HIM but I won't and I can't. That woman is not his wife, YOU are. There are women who can tolerate another woman and there are those who CAN'T for any reason. Rihanna and Karueche who are not even Africans are there doing it in their culture even though I shouldn't compare cos they are married abnd please Anonymouses, my response does not suggest that I support or hate polygamy. I have a lovely step sister so spare me.
There are cases of men who become violent just because they want you to leave and create space for the second woman. I have a feeling Your husband still loves you but is under some external pressure. If now that he has a new woman, he still treats you right, then what happens after that one gives birth to one baby girl? the excitement will disappear like gas smoke.
I have not said accept polygamy o. neither have I said divorce him. All I'm saying is think well before you decide on what is best for your situation. Do not be rash. It's a tough decision and I know you are going through real pain right now and pray for strength to do what is right for YOU in this situation.
*they are not married
I don't know if the correct phrase is step sister OR half sister?
HALF SISTER
A man wants to take another wife and u tell her today cook his best meal and beg him not to marry another wife? How?
Madam, please ask him.. If he tells you he is going ahead, then no problem. There is God!. Take care of your life and kids.. Just watch, you will see how God will fight for you. In all of this, just be close to God, keep praying for your life and that of your kids cause polygamy exposes one to a lot of spiritual attack and wahala. Be close yo God on behalf of your kids o. Then sit back and watch.
“… he did not deny it”, does not mean he accepted it. There’s the likelihood that he was disappointed that you could think he’s thinking of taking another wife after all these years…
Many possible scenario:
1. He’s planning on taking a second (or 3rd) wife secretly.
2. He has already paid the bride price.
3. His parents and relative are putting him under pressure but he’s resisting it. His visit to the village has actually been due to projects he managing…
Irrespective of the scenario, you should:
(a) Free your mind and talk to him as calmly as possible. Don’t give yourself high BP…
(b) Use your daughters to talk to their daddy’s conscience. They should be big girls by now…
(c) Draw closer to God – He’s the Great Comforter.
(d) Never, Never, fight back! You cannot win this battle fighting physically – Marriage is more spiritual than physical…
wow,poster.. Pls stay on and guard your marriage with prayers. Your story is similar. I am an only child and a woman and also igbo. It wasnt easy growing up. My father was d first son of his family and had so much pressure on him to marry another wife. Till he died(god bless his soul) he didnt,and honestly mum was expecting to see a woman nd kids claiming they were his. Bt till date no show. So all im saying is dat,not everybody cn withstand family pressure to hv a male child. Pls keep trying,god will surely give u a male child. Tell ur hubby to run tests wth d new wife to prevent sti. God bless u as u keep praying and guard ur family.
Honimumi.
I didn't read this cos my heart is really heavy. My husband works up north while I'm in Lagos. He came home last night and I saw an sms from a lady "I love you so much" , my husband page she asked him to help her send it to someone. I feel so sad for the betrayal and the fact that he sees me as an idiot or a fool to have given me such a silly excuse. I got married to him 11years ago as a virgin at 27.
While you are praying hon please ensure you protect yourself. Insist on a condom. Please i cant shout. Goodluck
Amidst all this advice giving no one is talking about STDs my dear. Go to the hospital get tested for any STDs including AIDs whatever the outcome take care of yourself and protect yourself as you decided on the next step. In the meantime empower yourself and stash some money of your own that he knows nothing about should you ever need it. If I were you and it was true he was taking a second wife and she was pregnant I would pray for her to have nothing but girls that would teach him a lesson.
Pray her out with psalm 35.
Maybe my insistence years ago to not save myself for any man was wise after all. A long time ago I decided I will not be a virgin on my wedding night, and I will take my fill of pleasure before I settle with anybody. Imagine you came to him untouched and this is your reward, men I tell you.
There is nothing you can do about this. Polygamy is not illegal, and you married a man whose culture is accepting of this. The only thing you can possibly do is to confront him and plead with him not to do it. Maybe prayers will help you, but you will have to do something to help stop it, as you know God help those who help themselves. You MUST have a conversation with your husband about this.
Please I beg you, please stop trying to take blame for this. It is a man's sperm that dictates what child a woman will have, so if you did not have a son it is simply because your husband sperm did not carry son making material. I truly wish you well, this is not a situation any woman hopes to find herself, even in those polygamy loving cultures.
Mama ijebu ur response has been best so far….cook his best meal ko, wear sexy dress ni. Dear poster if u ask him n he says yes dnt stress(tho its not easy) look up to God He knows how to comfort u better
why are you worried your husband is taking another wife