Good morning wives connection friends and Aunty Eya, My husband and I didn’t spend much time together before we got married. We dated for about a year but most of that time was spent apart because it was a long distance relationship.Most of our arguments start when I am offended by his way of communicating with me. I think he dramatizes issues and I feel like when he doesn’t like something I’ve done he attacks me verbally, which I find very hurtful. I am definitely the one whose emotions get escalated quickly, and I end up being the most upset and talkative but usually he starts the arguments.
I have really tried to help him see how the way he approaches me with problems are hurtful to me, and have tried to discuss how he can communicate with me without being hurtful. He
thinks he has done nothing wrong and has no reason why he should talk to me in a nicer manner. Usually in an argument he’ll just say very mean things even when I am trying to have a civil discussion to the point that I feel like he couldn’t care less about whether my feelings are hurt or there are tears in my eyes.
When I come up with ways I feel will help improve our relationship, he thinks my suggestions are wrong and has no interest in trying to research methods of better communication. He would never be doing this, trying to find a solution; he thinks his ideas about how to treat people are always right. He doesn’t agree that he needs to improve on anything and would never seek for help or better ways of communication with a spouse.
Even if he asks me to do something, and I do it because I don’t want to have a conflict, it won’t occur to him or he wont notice that I have made any effort, he doesn’t have that consciousness to realize that I am doing this thing not because I like it BUT to please him and avoid conflicts. Because he never sees that I am trying to avoid conflicts here, he’ll keep repeating the same thing. For instance, I hate dirty bathrooms and he knows it but will never lift up the toilet seat to pee, every time I need to use the toilet, I have to clean the seat first or I sit on a wet toilet seat. I showed him severally how to lift up that seat before peeing but he just doesn’t care about how I feel. despite my attempts to correct something, he sticks to what he has always done. I really don’t know if moving my things to another room will help us have a better relationship because then I will have to just have my personal bathroom and let him swim in his filth and we have less arguments.
I personally and emotionally cannot handle this at all, I don’t know how to hold in for too long, so, I will run and scream and insult him at the end of trying to fix something.Sometimes I feel like I’ve exhausted myself trying to be fair, and not receiving fairness back. I do have some issues with abusive relationships in the past ( Before I got married), so I am quick to try and stand up for myself. I also know I am prone to uncontrolled escalation of emotions when I feel like I am out of control. A sort of coping mechanism I suppose. I just don’t know what to do or how to get through to him. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but how can I get him to even try to meet my requests and to be nicer? He used to try, but he doesn’t anymore.
I have said things like ‘I need you to respect me more when you’re asking me to do something,’ like “use PLEASE and say THANK YOU and he’ll respond with ‘you have to earn respect to get it.’ Which seems like an excuse to be abusive. I really don’t know how to get him to be nicer to me.
If using a different bathroom will bring peace, why not? Leave him in the master bedroom and enjoy your bath in another bathroom so that the arguments will reduce or even die naturally. When he sits on his own urine, he'll learn.
You cannot change him, but can adjust to make yourself more comfortable and avoid complaining all the time. If there are other bathrooms, move your toiletries, towel, and make sure you don't go into the master bathroom for anything cos you might be tempted to clean and talk. He has not felt the pinch of filth because you always clean to make yourself comfortable. When you move to a different bathroom, he'll see the difference and learn to appreciate you.
Sis Eyâ u nailed it that is what I did ooo move my tinz frm d master bedrm bathroom to anoda n eva since I hav my peace if I cn help him clean I do bt not compulsory o
Nice comment
I did same thing and stopped complaining. Hubby's own is even worse, uses the toilet without flushing and covers it for a full day, and when he finally decides to flush everywhere would be smelling cos his shit has fermented. U know I kept complaining, kept being angry but he cared less. I simply moved my toiletries to the next bathroom and I feel better.
Poster u sounded just like me and hubby,mine will always complain of most of what I do wrong and as respectful as I am do it the rigtful way that he wants but for once he will not say well done anyway it don't bother me again.
Aunty Eya where is Uncle Johnson and BrandyB? I hope they have not travelled to enjoy divorce diary stories like me. I spent the whole day there yesterday and cried for what people go through. Please go and transport them back here. I have been looking for their comments since moin moining.
Divorce diary? Please carry me along
Ndidiamaka (lol) – u are in the spirit: I actually traveled and still traveling…
Poster, this sounds very much like my husband. He is very very inpatient, mean, and gets frustrated when I ask him simple questions. It's to the point where we don't even communicate, only when we have to. 95% of the time, he's either on his computer, or surfing the web on his phone. I'm slowly learning to live with it and make myself happy through my friends, family, prayer, and children. If anyone has better advice for me, I would love to hear it.
Poster, this sounds very much like my husband. He is very very inpatient, mean, and gets frustrated when I ask him simple questions. It's to the point where we don't even communicate, only when we have to. 95% of the time, he's either on his computer, or surfing the web on his phone. I'm slowly learning to live with it and make myself happy through my friends, family, prayer, and children. If anyone has better advice for me, I would love to hear it.
Poster, let me respond from a man's perspective.
1. You need to do a little more submission and avoid talking back.
2. Moving ur stuff to another rest-room is not moving your bedspace. When you're pressed at night, what shall thou do?
3. Don't let past abusive experience rob you of the joy inherent in your husband.
4. Both of you have something to learn from each other. Teach him with love.
Marriage is a school with no defined curriculum – everyone starts on a clean sheet. What do u want written in a few years from now?
Aunty eya I share your thoughts too. Just leave the bathroom for a while without washing it and let's see if he won't know the difference. But in all things no quarrel too much dear.takia
I'd like to say,my first lesson in marriage and I tell all my friends,learn to pick your battles!not every mistake is worth fighting over!2nd,you might think that he isn't noticing but he does(unless he has no conscience),we women sometimes need to adopt the communication skills of men to gain victory;that is no words comm!he might be deliberately defiant about lifting d toilet seat coz he may feel like u are trying to dictate to him!dont move out of the room,accept dat u'll always clean d seat b4 using it. It might mean misunderstanding to you but to him,its nagging,so don't talk anymore just act!clean d toilet,use n just sprinkle some water on it so he finds it wet when we comes 2 use(he will tink it's pee n it'll disgust him and u will get a secret laff out of it)for instance,i decided early dat wat Eva I complain about a couple of times,i won't bring up again but i'll fix @ my convenience! Don't let anything take ur peace!best of luck dear!its not easy living with another person under any circomstance.give yourselves time to adjust.
Pls go and watch war room and fire proof. All foreign movies.
Thanks Pamela for this perspective..
@ Poster, very soon you'll understand why some women call their husband baby. Men need some babysitting to mature…, except when the mothers had done a very good job!
War room is just da bomb!*thumbs up*
Aunty Eya has spoken. Create your own happiness. Only you can make you happy.
Though I agree partly with you, I still think Aunt Eya's way is quite the way to go simply for the mere fact that this one thing really irks out the Poster- if it is a major peeve, then it will be difficult to be asked to overlook it.
Lol!
Make una carry us along o. What is Divorce Diary please- a blog?
This your comment about fermented suit certainly made me laugh, lol!
Dear Woman, everyone have advised you.
Yes, it is not easy.
But as our parents before us will say 'Marriage is the only school where you learn everyday".
It is never easy , but if you determine in your heart you will get your man?. By his grace , you will.
First of all ,curb your tongue and try to be approachable again like when you both first met . Upgrade yourself, look good, be clean always lose weight if needed, smell good. Men are also affected by scents like vanilla , jasmine and musk. So get choice perfumes but don't bathe in them.
Next , sow a seed to the Lord and make a vow to God to get both your marriage and man back on track because God has a divine plan for every marriage.
Try to rekindle the attraction between you two, what were those things you used to do then and what are your relationship goals with him now for 2016?
You must have a time frame and target?.
Another thing assess how you both have changed since you two courted, got married and had a child and try to correct your fault as you also pray for him ( He is your head remember)
Another thing is to become financially independent so the pressure won't be too much on him ( be wise as you do this as it may backfire if you go into one of your headstrong feats).
Fix your hair and dress appropriately.
Get your spiritual leader in church to assist you in prayer and counselling.
You can plan 'date nights' for the two of you to just talk or relax not necessarily have sex. Overtime, he will come to you naturally.
Make your home a haven like 'Heaven on Earth ' for him (It is not easy as you will keep remembering how he has wronged you but you must keep trying if you want to have the last over the other women outside)
You are beautiful in all ramifications!.
Dear Woman, everyone have advised you.
Yes, it is not easy.
But as our parents before us will say 'Marriage is the only school where you learn everyday".
It is never easy , but if you determine in your heart you will get your man?. By his grace , you will.
First of all ,curb your tongue and try to be approachable again like when you both first met . Upgrade yourself, look good, be clean always lose weight if needed, smell good. Men are also affected by scents like vanilla , jasmine and musk. So get choice perfumes but don't bathe in them.
Next , sow a seed to the Lord and make a vow to God to get both your marriage and man back on track because God has a divine plan for every marriage.
Try to rekindle the attraction between you two, what were those things you used to do then and what are your relationship goals with him now for 2016?
You must have a time frame and target?.
Another thing assess how you both have changed since you two courted, got married and had a child and try to correct your fault as you also pray for him ( He is your head remember)
Another thing is to become financially independent so the pressure won't be too much on him ( be wise as you do this as it may backfire if you go into one of your headstrong feats).
Fix your hair and dress appropriately.
Get your spiritual leader in church to assist you in prayer and counselling.
You can plan 'date nights' for the two of you to just talk or relax not necessarily have sex. Overtime, he will come to you naturally.
Make your home a haven like 'Heaven on Earth ' for him (It is not easy as you will keep remembering how he has wronged you but you must keep trying if you want to have the last over the other women outside)
You are beautiful in all ramifications!.