Anty Eya,
I didnt know this blog exists until my friend showed me on her phone, i realy appreciate. I am 34yrs from asaba married to a guy we met in school, he was in part 3 while i was in 4 so i cook for him and take care of his needs and we eventualy fell in love.
After my NYSC i got a good job so we got married but, i find out now that i have been the person responsible for the family upkeep since 2010, he has a job now but does not give me anything! i pay school fees for our two sons, pay house rent, buy them wears, medical bills, pay lawma bills, pay light bills etc. He doesn’t give me anything!
The day i
talked to him about it he did’nt come home to sleep that night. i want to move out of his house but I’m very confused about the right thing to do. Please I urgently need advice.
I didnt know this blog exists until my friend showed me on her phone, i realy appreciate. I am 34yrs from asaba married to a guy we met in school, he was in part 3 while i was in 4 so i cook for him and take care of his needs and we eventualy fell in love.
After my NYSC i got a good job so we got married but, i find out now that i have been the person responsible for the family upkeep since 2010, he has a job now but does not give me anything! i pay school fees for our two sons, pay house rent, buy them wears, medical bills, pay lawma bills, pay light bills etc. He doesn’t give me anything!
The day i
talked to him about it he did’nt come home to sleep that night. i want to move out of his house but I’m very confused about the right thing to do. Please I urgently need advice.
My dear sister, i think you started on a wrong foundation. It is good for us as women to help out @ home, but when you carry all the responsibilities sister dat is wrong. You both are supposed to work together. Men are validated when they provide. Talk with your man. Dont move out of your house . communuc
talk to him again. this time ask him for a certain amount you know he can afford. first write down all the bills for the house. then ask him how much of that he think he as the husband should be paying.if he doesn't come to a good amount, tell him you believe he should carry at least 70% and you can carry the rest. he should give you a certain amount monthly or he can be responsible for paying certain bills. if the convo does not work, then tell someone he respects in his family to intervene or tell your pastor (if you guys have one that he respects). pastors can be very helpful with things like this
if still nothing changes, then change the locks. if you pay the rent and your name is on the rental agreement, there is no need to move out of the house you're paying for. he can move. he is a baby and you need to help him grow up
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Wow @ anon 3:10 I love ur advice
Very smart husband! You try to talk about it, he spends the night outside so you wouldn't dare talk again eh?
I also like Anon 3:10, before you change the locks, let it be when you are on leave and planning to travel out of town. Plan your trip, pack quietly without arousing his suspicion then bring up the matter again in a matter of fact way!!! Talk until he is very angry and you are sure he'll sleep outside. Lock up and leave very early BUT, this oga looks like he'll force his way in and change the locks again before you return. Maybe a court injunction before you travel. Why does he enjoy letting a wife take up his responsibilities? When he didn't have a job, it's understandable, not now that he is earning. That's mean.
About asking him to take up 70% of the bills, I think that'd only be fair if he earns very well and more than you, if not, that's like asking for the impossible. Be fair on him please, weigh it up before you ask for that Distinction percentage.
Sleeping outside because you talked about money is very irresponsible. He might not care whether you travel or are in town. Used to enjoying his life on you. The hotel he is running to spend the night, is it free? Why not spend that on his family. You too sis, try to listen more to him. Is he saving to build a home for the family or trying to save for something very important? If that's the case, try to work together please.
You totally started in a wrong way,how u start a relationship determine how it will be in marriage,check out my blog u will find stories that will motivate you. http://lisaokojie.blogspot.com/?m=1
Hmm dear poster this is a troubling situation. Its not like he is a bad guy..For some reason he just is taking advantage of you. Changing the front door locks is a good idea. or how about the locks inside the house?My idea: Keep talking to him about it even if he keeps acting out. After about 10 times of saying it start looking for a new place to rent on your own with the kids. Make sure his name is not on the lease. Can you speak to his own close family member? God will give you wisdom. Ask the Holy Spirit to tell you exactly what to do.
Mehn…this is not right…I don't think you laid a bad foundation tho'….what you did is called being a supportive wife…buh this is where I think you made a mistake…you didn't talk to him bout supporting him 'until' he is able to get on his feet….so to him, he thinks you are comfortable bearing all the responsibilities in the house…..With men, you may have to be VERY specific cuz they tend to get comfortable easily…..either way, I don't think you should change the locks…it is very easy for a lil misunderstanding like this to break a marriage…..you have to be smart….so I think you have to keep talking to him and you need to stop doing all the things you mentioned you are currently doing because it doesn't show how serious you are bout things changing in your home….I know your kids are involved buh you are to be a wife and a mother NOT a father, a mother, wife and everything else…..
#strictlymyopinion
Tibs Tells Tales
I like all the advice
Excellent I don't need to add anything
You are a good woman and worthy of a good man
If he isn't ready, give him the boot,
He is probably spending on some woman outside the house
Give him the boot and let him take responsibility.
He will thank you for it.
I will try and. say this as. kindly as I can.. According to you "you cooked and took care of his needs" from his 300 level in university. That is what he is used to. That has always characterized your relationship with him till date. Why should things change now, he asks himself. You need to give him very. compelling reasons why he needs to turn the table esp as the status quo favors him. So I think the major issue here is to come up with strong convincing reasons. He's conditioned to live off you. May the Lord drop ideas in your heart.
The audacity of this man. He should be turning over his entire pay checque with pride considering he only now started to earn an income. My gosh! what is he doing with his money?
The fact that he decided to sleep out after you had a discussion with him about contributing says a lot to me about who he truly is. You may not have known this man well at all, and I fear you are just only finding out.
I would start saving my money like crazy, scrimp where you can and do not spend up your money buying big meat and choice cuts for him. Start serving real poor food to him, eat your money to nourish you and your children well, not him, start buying the cheapest shampoo, soap ( yeah, that itchy soap that has no moisturizer get it, that lotion that runs like water, get it for him and that toothpaste that doesn't freshen your breath, get it, the toughest toilet paper that like steel wool on your azz, get it. Yes my lady, cut your spending by 1/3 or more and stash that money where only you know where it is. This man take you for a workhorse, but even a workhorse will get tired one day.
I wonder if this is a one sided relationship. Anywho, do what you can for the sake of your children, if you are church going folks bring up the matter with your pastor or elder. If he still refuses to support the family appropriately then you may just have to put on your walking shoes.
First of all, let me appreciate you for all you have done to keep the family running and for putting up with a lot of bullwalks all these while. You are highly appreciated by me; woman, thou art done well.
Now to the issue at hand, can I be very frank with you? You CAUSED this yourself. You started on a very bad foundation-doing all the lovey dovey and all others for the relationship to keep afloat, which eventually led to marriage. Since you have known this man, what effort has he put into the relationship?
You indulged him all the years and he's so grown to like it and has become over-comfortable that he doesn't want to see the status quo changed hence his sleeping out when you brought the issue up.
Madam, put up your thinking cap and tighten your belt. You do not have a husband; you only have a flatmate and a nonchalant one at that.
Bring this up nicely and don't nag about it. Let him know you need his input and if he does part 2 of storming and sleeping out, then STOP doing his work for him. Cut off all the luxuries he has been enjoying and start saving if you haven't.
I won't be surprised someone outside is enjoying his money. (Just a thought; please don't dwell on it)
I think he only married because:
1) You were the only one who could tolerate his excesses.
2) You would make a doormat wife. (Do things to his pleasure and comfort; no questioning. Remember he stormed out on you when you raised his non-input into the family upkeep)
2) To fulfil family and societal expectations-marry and have children, which he has done.
Spending on a lady is a man's way of validating his masculinity. He has his mind on something else and I really pity you because by the time you get to know, you would be SHOCKED to your bones!
To single ladies, shine your eyes before you say I DO. What you won't and can't tolerate in marriage, never you tolerate in courtship. Be with a guy who also puts in efforts into the relationship as well.
Your husband doesn't want to be remembered in a good way when those kids become adults, this test should teach him one life lesson:
Try the first one yourself and see how well you do.1.Name the 2 wealthiest people in the world2.Name the last 2 UK Chancellors of the Exchequer3.Name the last 2 Nobel prize winners4.Name the last 2 Pulitzer prize winners5.Name the last 2 Academy Award winners for best film6.Name the last 2 FA Cup winners. How did you do? The point is, few of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields in the whole world. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners. Here's another quiz.
See how you do on this one:1Name 2 teachers that helped you at school.2Name 2 friends who have helped you through a difficult time.3Name 2 people who have taught you something worthwhile.4Think of 2 people who have made you feel appreciated and special.5Think of 2 people with whom you enjoy spending time.6Name 2 heroes whose stories have inspired you. Was this quiz easier? The lesson? The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones who care and who have helped you. If you want people to remember you (and do things for you), show them that you care, and try to help them achieve their goals! Would it be a good idea to adopt this attitude the next time you go to a networking event or a conference? How about setting a goal to see how many people you can help?If your answers to quiz 2 reminded you of a particular occasion when someone helped you, it would great if you would share it so we can get ideas of how we can help others.
~Charlie Robertson
Please just exhaust all the avenues pple told you, and if it does not work i think you should leave with ur kids. Am a mother of 2 lovely girls too and i bring more things to the table at home but i can not live with a man that will not drop anything when he has, its totally wrong. I want to also let you know u shud not blame urself for spoiling him, you have done well but he his the bad one who does not not want to support now that he's earning something
Well spoken why are you leaving your house for him Aunty Eya has said it all change the locks its your house and not his. Secondly if you remain in that apartment he is used to he will come back to disturb and of course you cant lock him outside the house both of you have been living for years, rent a house somewhere, put it in place then raise the matter and if he walk away, move your things and when he comes back an empty house will welcome and feed him.
People have said it all,but i just want to buttress on the points.Firstly pour out your heart to God in prayer,tell Him everything,i mean everything ask for forgiveness of your misdeed where necessary.There is no situation that God cannot turn around.Secondly,learn to save,if you've be doing that,increase the percentage,then reduce your spendings in terms of housekeeping,but DO NOT starve your children,with love still serve your husband but not as before,if you have been serving full plate,reduce it and where necessary you may not serve with fish/meat but try to do this cheerfully ,if he question you,which im sure he can't do boldly,just tell him that you have a challenge at place of work as regards your earnings that infact you are praying for blessings.Please do not bring up the issue with him again,relate with him cheerfully and reduce your spendings on him ,withold some things where necessary but do not argue or fight with him.Thanks.
Babe pls I Salute u. All oda matters aside, pls u need to start saving severely, the man is use to having u do all, he is a nasty man. Don't talk much with him dear. Lets say u use 40k for household expenses b4 biko cut it down to 15 or 10, buy only things that r necessary in d house, don't even subscribe to dstv, biko leave out all goodies let him feel the difference. Like those bills now split them into 2 ask for the balance from him. Save save save babe pls save up. He is busy blowing his cash and depending on u. Lazy man. Men of nowadays, mshew. I can't deal