Hello Aunt Eya, good morning, how is the holiday and our family? I need help with a lie I told that’s about to back fire. I’ve been with my fiancee for a year now and at the start of our relationship I lied to him about being a virgin. He was a virgin so he thought that we were each other’s first. The only reason I
because I was ashamed about what he would think of me. I had a boyfriend before and he had pressured me into sleeping with him and it’s something that I regret everyday. The guilt has been eating away at me and there has been times when he has asked about it and I lied each time. He recently found out the truth and is understandably devastated. Since he found out I lied about being a virgin, I am terrified about what is going to happen to us. He is the love of my life, proposed a few months back and we have always been talking about spending the rest of our lives together.
He wants to try and mend our relationship but he is unsure about the future. He doesn’t know if we should break up and I don’t know if he will ever be able to forgive me for telling him such a big lie, I am worried that even if he says he has forgiven me and we move on with the wedding plans and all, in the future, whenever I step on his toes, won’t he remind me of the lie? I don’t even know how to talk to him at this point. Even though he says he wants to try, he is kind of cold with me and I know he can’t get over the fact that I lied to him about something so big and for so long, if he wasn’t a virgin himself, I won’t be this worried, but I made him think that we are both pure. I am so angry at myself for covering up this many times and I really don’t want to lose him. Everyday I am just thinking is this our last day together? Is he going to want to break up with me today? I can’t concentrate on anything, my sleeping pattern is all messed up, I can’t focus on assignments which I need to do, the semester is running fast and I think my Continuous Assessment is going to be affected badly. I don’t want to graduate, go for my youth service and return back home to start depending on my parents for toiletries and other needs or to go start dating all over again. My plan has been going on well for me before this lie was uncovered. I had planned my life to graduate, spend 1 year in Youth Service, get a job, get married and start making my babies already. What can I do to try and save my relationship? I want to cry and beg but I’m not the type that easily sheds tears, am a very rarely emotional lady. I am scared of losing him, There no more good men around and I think he is in the 1 or 2 percent honest Christians still in existence. I honestly can’t see myself with anyone else and hate myself for lying. I can’t stop thinking that even if he eventually does get over it, this is something that we would have to live with for the rest of our lives and I don’t know if he can ever be truly happy or even trust me again. I can’t help thinking that he would be better off with someone else who hasn’t hurt him this bad but the thought of losing him is unbearable to me. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost.
I wish I never lied in the first place, but that would mean not being with him at all, and being a virgin himself, how could I bring myself to say that I am the polluted one. Please help me.
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Being without Christ is what pollutes… U lied; he found out, & u confessed? How did he find out?
Would it have been better if he had found out after marriage? Definitely NO. If you are, however, feeling bad because he found out and not bcos of the lies itself – then u are not ready.
The devil is playing a fast one on you – he consistently reminds u of the lie with an objective to mess up your future: don’t allow him. A righteous man may fall seven times but rise again…
This brouhaha is a good test of the relationship and can reflect key aspect of the person u’re planning to spend the rest of your life with.
My only hope is that both of you are able to make the right decision going forward and not be pressured into:
1. Making the other person feel guilty continually.
2. Start sleeping with yourself, since the ‘highway’ is already free.
And to think of it, are both of you still in the dating mode or this has moved ahead into courtship? In courtship, your families are aware of the plan to spend the rest of your life together and if possible you are both undergoing marriage counselling… Irrespective of the outcome of this relationship, there’s a great future ahead of you…
Johnson have spoken so well. There's agreat future ahead of you either you getmarried to him or not so remove that thought of you dont want to depend on your parent after graduation but you want to depend on a man right? Please adult girls should stop the mindsetof wanting to depend on anyone for security. However your relationship turn, please dont lie about virginiy again mbok. A man that will stay and love you will regardless of your past. The most important is your present features in terms personalityand honestly.
My dear, don't beat yourself so much about this. Meet up with him again and sincerely apologize. Tell him that you regret not telling him the truth and beg him honestly to forgive you. If he can't truly forgive you now, he'll never forgive you in the future. And also know that if its God's will, everything will work as planned. We are human beings and we only plan but God has the final say.
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Hummm Mr Johnson have said it all. What I don't understand is why you lied about your vicinity knowing that the truth will one day come out na was o please honesty is very important in every relationship biko
U should not have lied… How are you sure he was a virgin? How did he find out? Beg for forgiveness. Put christ first.
Why lie?
Even if a lady is an ex slut if she opens up
She has more dignity dan a chronic lying virgin
I don value crios lies like dat
well if he leaves u
Never u lie any more
Loosing vital people in my life made me always saying the Truth till date
Learn nd save ur next relationship
TELL A LIE ONCE AND ALL YOUR TRUTHS BECOME QUESTIONABLE.
Your story is applicable to my first date or relationship. She told me she was a virgin, because I was too. I later discovered that she wasn't, and she pleaded and gave me reasons that led to her disvirginity; reasons tougher than your own. Having dated a guy that was active sexually with her, and got disvirgined by another guy.
I was angry for two (2) days, I forgave her and I got over it as God has demanded and took her as a virgin, her past has passed. I planned with her thinking I was going to marry her, but she later broke up after I refused many times to lay with her.
If you know you won't do such again, until after death… good for you. Don't you ever loose hope, host him one day or take him out to a good place, you can cook is favorite meal. Explain things to him amicably and ask for his forgiveness, become his wife and treat him like a husband starting from now.
I am seeing the guy as a good fellow. Explain yourself and tell him why you want to be with him for life. Just stay transparent and glue to him. Lastly, pray hard. Go and watch this movie "WAR ROOM". And read abou this article 3 TRUTHS ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE @ http://www.universiticc.wordpress.com
Have a wonderful day ahead.
the truth is that you can't eat your cake and hate it back. why lie ? but the guy mumu o why didn't he check to know if its true from the beginning?
Me? I will divorce you.
But why did u lie? Being a non virgin doesn't make u less human.
My dear begin use style dey find another fiance.cos the guy is definately planning to do you beta bad tin.
Why are you calling a decent guy "a mumu". That is not the wise thing to say.
But why the lie? I guess in your subconscious you know there's something to be ashamed about in being a non-virgin.
But then, it av happen it av happen…. so deal with it.
Reason why I breakup with my girl.tell him now if you dont want to waste your time.
He would breakup eventually!
Uh oh mydear apologize and and let be. U won't kill ursef na. But please learn from it
Thanks Tim for the vital pts made… I must quickly sound some note of caution: poster should not treat a man she's not married to as a husband. This is very dangerous.
Poster – there will be very serious huge for you to want this guy to have sex with me: this will be a great mistake. You cannot pay for the past error with your body.
Correction… there will be very serious urge for you to want this guy to have sex with you:
How was he supposed to check?
Hmmm…One thing that shud b avoided @all times is LIES of all sorts. Its left for him to decide if he can cope d unexpected shock. Ur case is a probability case. If u are lucky he may accept u back..
This is a lesson for "LIEing Mohammed" pikins.
True love will forgive though it hurts n I tell you it won't be easy to gain that trust back. Just pray n be hopeful.
Most points made are valid but i'd like to point out that u shouldn't let this incidence make u loose ur self worth n confidence coz ur mistakes don't define u! I can read an undertone of dependency and worthlessness! You sound as thou u are now a lesser person than him coz u aren't a virgin!NO!! You are worth of any man!coz if you are worthy of God's love,then you are worthy of any man's love,irrespective of how 'Christian' or 'pure' he is!if u continue with that mindset,thats wat he'll lord over u!so 1st forgive ursef b4 asking 4 his forgiveness,. And as Mr Johnson said,if ur problem is his uncovering the truth as opposed to the lies in its self,then u aren't actually sorry and it will resonate to him while u are trying to apologize!
Prepare yourself the relationship may not go on as you wished, just be certain that you will be truthful and you wont let the fact that you are not a virgin affect you at all. Virginity is a good thing but being a non virgin doesn't make you dirty or a bigger sinner. You need to look at the bigger picture, marriage wont heal you neither will being single kill you, so move on.
My dear, you're not the first to tell that lie. I think genetically girls/women are hardwired to tell that lie to the new guy who appears decent
too much detail just because you dont want the story to be too short, probably you are paid per word.
lord have mercy.
It is good you summoned the courage to eventually open up and tell him the truth. It must have been quite hard and I admire your courage. It shows that you have an honest girl – at least when it comes to people you love. You lied to him at the beginning of your relationship, when he was still a stranger, I guess, and you lied because you were ashamed.
The story shows that you value honesty – at the end of the day – and that you have values. If he truly loves you, he will look beyond the lie and see the beauty in you so consider this situation a valuable lesson that will tell you if you ae about to get married to the right man.
Whatever happens – it is a win win situation
One can understand how you feel at the prospect of losing someone you really love.
But being a virgin himself, how did he find out you are not a virgin?
Opinions expectedly vary here, but here is what I think:
First, I find the practice of men asking a lady they are dating whether she is a virgin as dumb. For what?
O.K she is not a virgin so that nullifies all her beauty and brain, etc.
Second, virtually all men do sleep with or entertain the idea of sleeping with the women they are dating.
Every man should understand that the grown ravishing beauty he is beholding may have been in a relationship before…
That he is not the first person to know her.
Many ladies fall to the superior manipulative skills of men and slept with them…reluctantly.
It is not the virginity that should matter most…
It is the general attributes that make a wife material that count.
Now, here is what you should do:
Explain to this man the circumstances that led to your loss of your virginity.
Tell him you made a mistake in lying to him because you didn't want to lose him.
Keep an open mind that he may or may not forgive you…
But if he does and since it worries you, let him know you do not wish for him to bring it up the matter in the future.
It is understandable your loss of sleep, but you have to pull yourself together and concentrate in your studies.
I strongly believe that women should have their own "terms" in a relationship…
If he continues to play cold, tell him you are taking time off for both of you to reflect…
Good men no dey finish…First, you have to finish school.
The truth has many enemies, but no matter how far a lie fly, the Truth will surely overtake it.
And how will he do that?
by trying to do d thing.
I shall keep on tasting punnanies till the end of days….. So help me my John Thomas!!!!! Bottom line….. I'm not a VIRGIN.
My dear if u really love him just as u say here, you would have told him the truth and tell him how you got disvirgin but in this case let him know you're sorry that you lied cos it hurts. He will come back bcos love bears all. Best of luck
if he decides to forgive you and go on with your marriage and you are okay with it. then stay. but never let your past be used against you in the future. from the way you describe him, he sounds like a very nice guy and i think you like him (hopefully), but don't let fear of not getting another guy make you continue this relationship if you feel like you shouldn't go on. and if you guys do marry, don't feel the need to compensate for the rest of your marriage and don't let it be used against you either. good luck.