I Hate My Son Part 2

[17:35, 27/06/2015] ‪ Pls, kindly post this ma. This is an amazing part of what happened after I sent my post to you.
[17:35, 27/06/2015] ‪: Thank you ma.
[17:36, 27/06/2015] ‬: I dnt love my son.

I want to thank everyone who genuinely commented on my first post. Thank you so much.
I appreciate your advices and counsels. I appreciate your empathy. I appreciate your sympathy. I felt your heart in the responses. I also appreciate the 2annoymouses who rose up for me against the first anonymous. Thank you.
When I read the first anonymous post, I lol. I dnt hate whoever it was. I dnt even dislike him(im using him in generic form here). I pitied him. He doesn’t understand what it feels like to have something biting you and eating you up.

Especially when that something is something you dnt
want and you know you can resist this something, but you dnt have enough strength to fight it.
He can’t understand because he can’t see beyond his eyes. I expected it. I expected more. I expected curses and insults and judgement. Its what humans do abi? And that’s what blogs are for.

What I wasn’t expecting was the depth of responses and genuineness of  advices. You shocked me. Mothers spoke, sisters spoke, I think a man also commented. You counsled me, you gave prayerpoints. I’m still amazed. I guess like Toke Makinwa said, Women actually look out for each others.maybe not all, but you looked out for me. Thank You.
There’s been changes since I wrote to Aunty Eya. After I sent to her, I spent the next hour weeping and moaning. Telling God to teach me motherhood. I told Him how inexperienced I was (as if He doesn’t know), how I wanted to partner with Him to raise this life He’s given to me to take care of. I reminded Him of how blind and helpless I was with this coldness and anger eating me up towards my own son. How I wanted Him to rescue me, telling Him if how doomed I was if He doesn’t….Teach me Lord! I cried. Just teach me.

God Listened. He heard. He answered.
I dunno if this is too early to conclude, but I’d take that risk.
What I noticed was that it lifted. Well, I didn’t know it immediately. Not Until my bundle of joy returned from school and I was very happy to see him. Very strange. Last time I felt that happiness was when he was returned back to me. I just felt this peace sift inside me. See, words can’t describe the whole thing. I was glad to see him eat, see him as he changed and ran off to his tutorials.
And Surprisingly, my son’s being doing some things that would ordinarily have got me spilling. But I didn’t.
No, “this is not the control yourself thing at work o “. it came natural. The anger at him just wasn’t there. I still can’t explain it.
I have not been angry with him since I sent that post. Not even yesterday when he pee’d on the bed overnight.. hmm. I cant believe I didn’t rant and call him names. Its unbelievable. I just didn’t even feel like going into rage and fits like I always do. Altho I frowned at what he did ( which is strange cos he doesn’t do that before, I guess I was being tested). The funniest thing was I corrected him. I didn’t condemn him as usual. No, I insist it’s not the ” pick your words” method at work. I havnt even spoken to any therapist like you all suggested.

No, I dnt love him yet, well not as I think I should, but I’m no longer stonecold nor offensive at him anymore. I’m not enthusiastic about him either. But then, what do I know about love. Maybe it’s not the spark you feel when you meet your man. Maybe the love btw a mother and son is silent but runs deep. Maybe the Divine planted the seed, perherps all I need do is to keep watering it. Maybe it will eventually grow overtime.Maybe one day, id look at my sons face and discover that I have loved him all this wwhile without even knowing it. Who knows just what will happen. Maybe, just maybe
I spoke to the Best heart surgeon, and He touched me. Well, my own started over the years, but healing came when I spoke out. I’d like to reach out to other hurting souls.
Speak Out. It helps. You might not get instant touch like I did. But it’s the begining of the process. Dnt forget I battled with this thing for years. And I’ve been praying about it since. But, relief came the moment I spoke out, along with it came the touch.

Thank You.
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