Hello Aunty Eya. I am an old follower of your blog who used to comment anonymously but stopped talking and when quiet too when you stopped cooking and sharing your wonderful recipes with us like you started. I found your blog 5 years ago from Linda Ikeji’s, when you just started blogging and frankly I got hooked to your delicious food and advise. I have tried a bunch of recipes from your blog and they all turned out delicious. At a point I stopped
visiting until your Facebook recipe was shared on my friend’s Timeline and I had to follow the link back here. Am writing you this evening because of a recent post shared on the blog, not really sure if it’s from you or another poster but could not read and waka pass without leaving a comment.
Several attempts to post a comment there failed and it kept sending a message that my comment is too long.
My dear Aunty, marriage in Africa is very hard for so many and not so hard for just a few women. I always tell my daughters that what we see people show outside is not the truth. The happy stories and pictures posted and shared a million times on Social media? most are not real. Things aren’t really as they seem. We all have where the shoe pinches though it differs in different marriages. For some women, the pinch is their husband’s promiscuity, unfaithfulness is causing headaches with STI being treated yearly. For some others it is emotional and domestic violence resulting in hospital admissions. To some, their husband’s are very Faithful and won’t even wink at another skirt but very stingy with finances. Some African husband’s will rather leave the huge sums of money in the bank than give their families a worthy lifestyle.
I beg to deviate a little. I have this friend in my former place of work before I relocated to The North. She and her kids never really looked happy and I couldn’t place a finger. Her husband was an International Businessman importing and exporting goods all over the globe. He travels out of this country like you say George Benson. However, all that only reflected on him as an individual. She never complained of anything to me though, but as the FBI that me is, I think her salary was being overburdened as she took care of the family needs while husband travelled the world doing business.
She confided once in a co-worker about her financial/marital travails and no one believed. With my colleagues job and her husband’s money spinning career, she couldn’t save even a dime to her name. She tried to fill in the gaps with her money so no one will see their lack. She tried to make the kids not feel too much of daddy’s stinginess and always had to spend and spend on these kids. It showed, it was obvious they were suffering and lacked even though the exotic cars were parked in the garage with private domestic staff and gardeners doing all the work. They lived in a a beautiful mansion though. They travelled with him on vacations only once in every three years. All other times, he went alone on his Import and Export plus other business trips and when you see him and turn round to look at his family, something was always off. He looked too sophisticated and expensive while they looked just average and this is one family. There were a few times people saw her come out of the office restroom with red eyes looking like she has been crying. She always replied that everything is fine.
Why am I telling you this story? After I relocated, there was news that he got sick of a brain tumor or cancer am not very sure again but he passed. Yes. he left his family in the hands of his wife and I hear unbelievable stories of how she resigned to manage her husband’s company and how the children who were here schooling in ordinary schools like mine are now all schooling abroad using the latest Iphones and how she can afford to travel at will to attend to or visit them in the Abroad. They look nothing like what I know. Their lives suddenly changed like magic and no one knows if madam won a jackpot or she started making more money after he passed. They couldn’t afford the best schools in Nigerian but now they school abroad. How she is able to afford all that Lifestyle for her family remains a mystery and you know what the gossips in our former office are insinuating?
The money he refused to spend on them was so much that it changed their whole lives after he fell asleep. When I heard their lives changed, I was happy for them because it was really truly obvious then. He married only one wife and had no other family outside but couldn’t bring himself to spend his hard earned money on them. It was all about investing and reinvesting and craving for more. All is vanity and the earlier we realise that, the better for the world.
That woman never gave up on her marriage, it made her resolve to work and take care of herself and her children. It’s possible to be happy with a stingy husband. It’s possible to love a stingy husband even though I never experienced such men both in my relationships and marriage. I just know it’s possible. There are women who forget about the man and just face their kids because at the end of the day, your kids are your only real flesh and blood.
Some men are fond of caring for family when they have nothing, making all the promises and cooking in the kitchen and cleaning but once things begin to look up, they forget the people that have always been there for them. Single ladies these days look for already made husbands with well furnished homes and well paying jobs, will you blame them? They have seen women suffer with their husbands only to be forgotten when the doors of money opened wide. Never expect that because you suffered with a man, he’ll live the good life with you. If you are lucky, you enjoy the fruit of your labour, if you are not, look up to God and pray. Read books on Prayer and learn to fast if you don’t. Do not say I am tired. There is nothing like that in my vocabulary.
There is something about poverty. When people grow out of poverty, they seem to be scared it might resurface and want to hold tight on the money they have made. Most stingy husbands you see in this country are men who were once penniless. If you feel lonely, draw your children closer, they should be big enough to keep you company by now because I know how you always made us feel like you do greatly love your kids. Make them your friends. Do not die trying to change a man o make him remember your journey together because it’s not possible. The true colours of a man show when he has made or begins to make money. When you meet a hungry man, do not conclude that you know him, wait till he is satisfied with plenty.
Sadness can cause stress and depression. If you feel fatigued, create time for yourself to rest, time to do the things you love and do not wait to be supported by anyone just face your front and keep moving. Those good old days when you posted about your family complaining that you gave too much time to blogging, I suspected you were not getting the support bloggers need. The support from family is very important but some have succeeded even without it. With the big money people are making from full-time blogging, why would anyone complain when their family member blogs if not selfishness and the urge to control others, to control their African slave-wives.
That is your marriage, keep it with prayer and never think that others are truly what you see out there. Only few are WYSIWYG. Majority are just make-believe. Here is me lending a hand to a beautiful blogger whose advice saved my own marriage years back. Keep keeping it real and know that I have you in my prayers always. Do not let anything stop you from following your passion. Keep keeping on and have a be-you-ti-ful weekend.
One Love. (You are free to post anonymously ).
Good advise. No perfect marriage anywhere. If you are lucky to have it all, be grateful. If not, still be grateful.
Nelly says so.