I’d like to remain anonymous. My fiance and i had this talk recently and for the first time we couldnt agree on a particular issue.
Just this year, he rented an apartment and bought a car and about two of his friends moved in with him almost immediately and about 2 others have come visiting for about 2 weeks and left. Bottomline is, as one friend leaves another comes in. Am not so comfortable with that and i had a talk with him, asking him if this is gonna continue when we get married and he said yes!. I was shocked and told him that i would like to live a private life when am married. Am not saying i cant help people but not having people crawl all over the place.
He then explained that when he came to Lagos, the 1st person he stayed with accomodated 6 of them and when he was about getting married he told them to leave, but that about 3 of them had nowhere to go so
they stayed behind and the guy and his wife allowed them. that infact 2 more guys and a girl came afterwards and that if not for that opportunity, he wont be where he is today and perhaps he might have gone back to his hometown and not met me. Hence, his helping other people (friends and relatives) that have accomodation problem.
Yes its a good thing but here is my issue, when i was much younger i lost both parents and i and my 2 other siblings had just the house to ourselves. from the following year, we helped friends that had accomodation problems. Though it was a 3 bedroom flat and i had my room which i shared with my younger sister and my brother uses one room with one of my half brother, then the other one was usually filled with friends and sometimes u wake up in the midnight to go pee and u go to the livingroom only to step on a sleeping body etc.
It was that bad! I also accomodated 2 friends of mine in the room with my sister and it was just something else.
Before this, i used to be the type that enjoys wearing just bum shorts and bra to cook in the kitchen, roam about the house etc. But had to stop cos of all the male friends we had in the house. More than once, stuffs were stolen from my room and i had to start locking the door when i go out etc. Infact, i was even more scared for my younger sis and all of that. I told myself that i was gonna endure and that i can breathe fresh air when am married, believing it was gonna be just i and my husband as his folks dont have plans of moving to Lagos and its just his younger brother that is still in school that can come for a while. Only for me to get this…..
Please let me know if am selfish for wanting privacy in my marriage and not having one relative or friend gossiping about what i do and do not do to his parents and family. Surely i cant satisfy everyone and dont want anyone to give me a bad name. cos thats when they will go about saying i served them small portion of food, i did this and i did dat. I just my privacy!!!!
Please your advise is so much needed cos am really falling apart and something tells me i might not just marry this man cos of this issue. What do i do plsssss???? Thanks all and God bless you.
hmmmm…Every marriage needs privacy at least for the first year but I understand where you and hubby are coming from…both of you have valid points and i don't think you are selfish…Tell him how much this bothers you and how you really need your space when you get married and you guys can come to a compromise. but give him the whole history you have given us…and trust me, this is a Nigerian thing, you can hardly stay alone. Eventually hubby will realise that you guys need your space as a family.
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i was having this same discussion with a friend a couple of weeks ago. Nne he will not change. just be glad he didnt lie to you. so it is your choice to make if you will continue with the relationship and adjust your expectations accordingly or just end the relationship. For someone who likes her privacy this will be very difficult for you if you get married to him and will definitely cause a lot of friction in your marriage. Think seriously about this marriage. Cos this is a life time of people living with you. and it WILL not end even when kids come along.
You are not being selfish, its a norm with most women to complain about people coming to stay with them, and besides every couple needs their privacy especially newly married couples, at least for like one year, that's why people go on honey moon, that's why some employers give their works off, after wedding, to enjoy their marriage, so its a normal thing to want privacy after marriage, personally, I love privacy, because will love my wife walking around the house Naked or half naked, and driving me crazy, at least for sometimes after how wedding
So I think you should still have a heart to heart discussion with him, its all about understanding between you both, because he has a good intention and also explain to him your reasons, just like you explained here, don't just tell him you don't want people coming to stay with you both, give him a good enough reason like you did here to penetrate his heart
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My advice: pls it's either u convince him to stop or u look elsewhere. Having people around when you are newly married causes a lot of discord in d house. I ve been there and well, they helped break the marriage down. Think girl!
Those friends will be the breakdown of your marriage that is if you end up married to him. My advice would be if your finances allow it once married please rent a house with a boys quarter and make it clear that any long term visitors would be required to stay there and look after themselves. You will only help with accomodation they are on their own with food etc infact be locking your doors when both of you leave for work and they have to call or ask in advance before coming to the main house and there shall be limits on how much time can be spent in the main house and they are certainly not allowed into your house after 6pm if it means buying them their own TV to watch do it because they will use that as an excuse if your husband wants to hang out with them at night let him go to the boys quarters. One thing i will tell you is do not put up with stuff as a girlfriend that you cannot pit up with as a wife because it only gets worse when you become a wife. Nip it in the bud
I cant and wont tolerate dat nonsense biko. Not nw. Na u knw wetin u go do o. Or better stil talk to ur man and explain in detail y u wont tolerate dat.
vry correct!
@Anon 7.37, na WoOoo, ur rules plenty oooo, anybody can b in need of help, while helpin dem, u dnt nid 2 make dem feel less human. @poster, talk 2 ur fiance abt ur fears nd wat u went thru, hopefully he will see reason, most importantly, treat his friends like ur brothers unless dey v given u reason 2 treat dem otherwise, dey re part of who ur fiance is.
@Anon 7.37, na WoOoo, ur rules plenty oooo, anybody can b in need of help, while helpin dem, u dnt nid 2 make dem feel less human. @poster, talk 2 ur fiance abt ur fears nd wat u went thru, hopefully he will see reason, most importantly, treat his friends like ur brothers unless dey v given u reason 2 treat dem otherwise, dey re part of who ur fiance is.
Babe relax it's not a difficult situation. Right now in my home I av plenty visitors including my in laws, mum in law inclusive are with me. B4 I got married to my husband, he has friends staying wt him, including his siblings. When we became married they ar stil wt us, though some left, d ones dt didn't leave I didn't drive them by pressuring my husband to ask them out. They are wt us, I share d food equally, in fact I do my chores by myself wt out bothering any of them though they help out once a while but I don't mek it a mandatory for them. Wt d above it makes my home comfy 4everyone . As regard wearing minis and d rest na my name b that yes! I will al sort of minis around my house o except being nude I don't allow their presence affect me in anyway. I do my thing 4 my husband.
Pple complain abt in laws or mum in laws. In my case my in laws respect so much 4 ds my singular attitude 'accommodation' it has endeared me into their heart.
My dear relax, allow them lik ur hubby said they won't b wt u 4eva it's 4 a while jus accommodate them, tmr they can b helpful to u too who knows. Feel free to dress as u please in ur home,but pls avoid tempting ur visitors. Its one thing to wear a mini its anoda thing to wear it properly.
Pls note, if u do nt agree wt my story and suggestions be free to drop it. Do wat u think is d best in ur home.
wat kind of advice is this biko? Hp u annon 10:10pm. Knws pple are different and d way pple relate, react and think is different. D poster is nt u and may nt hv dat grace.
did u read her comment very well especially d last part?
This guy, don't you have something else that keeps you busy as a man apart from commenting on every blog post? I mean, this is too poor for a man, Haba! You are everywhere! hian!
This guy, don't you have something else that keeps you busy as a man apart from commenting on every blog post? I mean, this is too poor for a man, Haba! You are everywhere! hian!
I agree with you @anon 7:37. I was thinking the same thing. This would be a very good compromise.
Tufiakwa gi nwanyi london.so if someone else did this spell 4 ur hubby it wld have worked too. Hian
Kiky pls r u d ladyi met at an ice cream shop talking about marriage problems ?dsame thing happened to me unfortunately he lied to me dat dey would all move out b4 d weddingand dat bcos its lagos i shld pls be patient wit dem to get a house at d long run na tug of war im now d bad person and d sister is refusing to leave d house as in wat u cant take dont even let it happen in d first place ur fiance just like my hubby will take sides with his friends over u later in d future weather u allow it or not,its as bad as 2 of his pple bumped into me in my undies coming into d house unannounced.
dsame thing happened to me unfortunately he lied to me dat dey would all move out b4 d weddingand dat bcos its lagos i shld pls be patient wit dem to get a house at d long run na tug of war im now d bad person and d sister is refusing to leave d house as in wat u cant take dont even let it happen in d first place ur fiance just like my hubby will take sides with his friends over u later in d future weather u allow it or not,its as bad as 2 of his pple bumped into me in my undies coming into d house unannounced.
@ana 10:10PM u r just lucky its not about accommodatin anything,would u say to d extend of washing my hubby's friends boxers soaked in d bathroom for a month is not accommodating enough?or would i say d moment my hubby is out d door me still in my nighty with nipples shootin out and his friends come take breakfast is not accommodating enough abeg dat ur advice no b am at all mayb i should pray my type of situation for u or,mind u all dis started from day 1 of my being wedded ooo so der was no honeymoon no privacy nothing
Thank u so much for dis advice im still facing mine God help me
so sry. I have re read it.
i cant tk dat nonsense biko.
Mehn! Women! U na dey try oh. I hail you guys. Poster, you are okay with your thoughts. I love my privacy as well; three is a crowd jare. I have a phobia for crowd or anything large gathering. So you are okay to feel that way. Infact, it's one of those thing I will discuss very well with Le boo. I can't just stand my space being invaded as I have a bit of OCD, which can drive me nuts at times.
Anon 10.10,you're my kind of person, before I got married to my hubby he had loads of younger ones, their friends and even girlfriends staying wt him and we got along just fine, is it when I got married that I'll now change character? Answer is no,we continued living together, I treated them as well as I could,condoned as much of their excess as I could and put my feet down when necessary. Eventually they began to leave one after d other. Fast forward some years later on my first trip abroad guess who housed me and my daughter; one of d guys we used to house.He was now married to his gf that also used to come over then( we actually booked a hotel but he asked us to cancel it). They spoilt us silly even up to my baby's cereals n diapers,d only money I spent was for shopping for our clothings. We always get special treatment from them all when we also go visiting,( believe me u'll also need them later on in life). Long story short,accommodate them cos it's an African thing,u won't regret it in d end.
Its nt easy o ,pls pray 4 God's directive on d best way 2 handle this issue.Guys pls check dis out,its 4 real:wp.remenk.com/?page=register&ucode=wp14001367UserCode: wp14001367
Thanks everyone……im indeed grateful. una too much!!!. we talked about it again and he's agreed with me that we dont need so much people around the house. Just one or two. Thanks once again…..God bless you all.