Good evening Aunty Eya,My name is sandra your regular reader Merry Xmas and happy new year .I really need help because am worried about my relationship. We keep having issue and we are getting married in 3 months time.
Before we got engaged we only dated for 2 weeks. I told him we are not ready and am not yet in love with him yet but he said we will be fine, even my family said so.
Now we quarrel a lot and am pregnant. He does things that make
me hate him everyday and I keep telling him all he says is I should accept him that way. The annoying part is when ever we have a quarrel he calls my family to tell them am the cause that I don’t give him peace.
My family thinks am a terrible person now. please my WC family I really don’t know what to do. should call off the wedding or go ahead with it?
Before we got engaged we only dated for 2 weeks. I told him we are not ready and am not yet in love with him yet but he said we will be fine, even my family said so.
Now we quarrel a lot and am pregnant. He does things that make
me hate him everyday and I keep telling him all he says is I should accept him that way. The annoying part is when ever we have a quarrel he calls my family to tell them am the cause that I don’t give him peace.
My family thinks am a terrible person now. please my WC family I really don’t know what to do. should call off the wedding or go ahead with it?
If u can barely tolerate him now, the marriage will never work. Don't expect any miracles afterwards;
My dear Ur happiness matters a lot ooh,U re d only person who can sit Urself dwn and advise Urself. U hve strted complaining now dt U guys re not yet married,wat ll happen wen U do and d worst mistake U ll do is to believe dt he ll change afta Ur wedding,is not possible and secondly I personally believe dt any man who keps running to family member weneva dere is a prob.is not man enough and he's not ready yet to hve his own family. Is beta to back out now dan live d rest of Ur life regreting Ur mistakes. Or beta still tell him U still need time so as to avoide divorce immediately afta marriage oooo. God is Ur strength. #My opinion#
You are already leaving with him? And you are pregnant already… You are already his wife Nah… Na only pride price remain oh… So the question shld be, should I continue with this marriage… Of course baby, you've gat to continue… Do! There is no perfect one out there. You will learn and understand yourself with time… If he is not cheating on you, not beating you, not coming home drunk and having severe immoral act, you guys are good. It is just a misunderstanding that fades away with time… It takes serious devotion and commitment anyway… Believe me dearie, it happens in every home…
Patsy
my dear if u hv nt been pregnt 4 him i wuld have advise u leave him and move on. But it is late now. Just try to love him and always communicate ur feelings abt his attiude towards u in a diplomatic manner. Believe it wuld wk out.. Dnt b too judgemental 2. Love is a decision and a choice. D ball is in ur court.
i love u pasty. I just love ur wisdom! Am anno 8 54am
As far as am concerned pergnancy is not an excuse for any one to get married to a person U knw U cnt tolerate dts y dere is high rate of divorce now in our country. Dear poster U re d one wearing d shoes and knws how it hurts so mke a wise decision dt ll favor U and dt of Ur unborn child.
Obviously the writer is an Ibo lady. U know we Ibos most time move in with our hubby once the bride price is paid, therefore making u husband and wife, since d bride price has been paid. So the writer saying she's getting married in 3 months I'm sure its the church wedding. Like Patsy said u r married, paying ur bride price is not engagement n u know it that's why u comfortably took in. So dear seeking advice from WC, u shld ask us how to save ur new marriage.
Now getting to d advice, its obvious u didn't court b4 getting married, that's why u r having up and down in ur marriage. So chill n take it easy, it will all work out. What u don't like u gently let ur hubby know by making him understand, no need fighting too much for ur right n make d man feel he must also fight for his position as "head of family". Don't agree to all his stipulations so long u don't like it, but gently reason with him, b4 u know it he will start reasoning well. U r pregnant already so stay put n work on it, I feel its just the "getting to know each other" stage. Happy married life.
the mistake you made was to get pregnant for him. please other women should take from this. marriage is honorable with the bed undefiled. pregnancy does not tie a man down. before you get engaged to someone get to know him first and also pray and make sure you are walking on the right path. Pls poster i will advice you to pray because you are already pregnant for him. when we make bad decisions, we overcome them with good ones. this is the time to put on your amour and go to war, there is nothing God cannot do, he can turn the heart of stone to a heart of flesh. then make sure you are walking in the right path, if you nag him stop it, try not to instruct him,, try talking to him softly, sometimes softness is the way to a man's heart. I pray God gives you guidance.
My sister ur story reminds me if wat I went thru a few years back. I met him and 2weeks later we were engaged 2 b married three months later. Before we got married, I felt all u r feeling nw. I dint love him, I was always irritated by him, we were always quarelling n each tym we quarelled he wud call his own family pple 2 report me. I wasn't happy bt I felt I cudnt call it off cos both families had met n dates had been fixed so I went on wit it. Wen we got married, it became worse….. I SAW HELL. Eleven months later we were divorced. Did I mention dat he was a pastor? Yes, he was. So my dear, if u'r feeling wat u'r feeling nw, u better think well b4 u make a mistake u'l regret for life.
My dear pregnancy is no reason to go ahead with a marriage you know will not work. Let me refresh your memory I don't know if you heard about the comedian princess whose marriage crashed barely seven months later? She said they had problems before the marriage the problems continued within two weeks of the marriage seven months later they are both back in the singles club. Sweetheart bride price or no bride price baby or no baby get out while you can. If you still want to stay then delay the legal certificate ceremony whether it is church or registry for as long as you can because getting a legal divorce is costly and takes time at least bride price is easily returned. My mum always told me what you can not tolerate before marriage you will not tolerate after marriage. I just hope that you have a good job or are at least financially empowered to be able to take care of your baby alone should he back out from supporting his child.
POSTER PLEASE PLEASE LISTEN TO ELLAH HERE!!!!
Nigerian Association of I must marry by fire by force is in the hizzhouse!!!!
Even some people that courted for years before getting married have lots of problems after the wedding.
Although ifyou dated longer it might have helped you to get to know him a bit better and you probably wouldn't have accepted his proposal.
Sounds like you've had your trad wedding soyou are married. I think you are at the stage of getting to know each other right now.
I haven't seen you mention anything serious that normal relationships/marriages don't pass through from time to time and this requires patience and endurance as there is no marriage made in heaven.
I know being pregnant and newly wed should be a happy time for you so keep talking to him atthe right time/mood and pray it. These things take time and might take longer if gone about in an appropriate manner.
Chubby ELLAH’s experience needs to be considered with great attention. The only difference I see here is that you are pregnant before the proposed wedding and he runs to your family rather than his. A man that runs to your family means he feels accepted and might have won their heart – how? Possibly he bought them over! Rather than your family seeing to the settlement of issues they tend to compel you to accept responsibility for the wrong. One of the things I advice young intending couples is to wait till they have ‘serious’ issues to deal with when they are in courtship – settling differences will be something you have to deal with for the rest of your life!
The length of time spent in courtship does not guaranty a successful marriage but if done properly will reveal red flags that you need to deal with before saying ‘I DO’. … 2weeks and now pregnant before the wedding with these kind of challenges and feeling is not a good sign. You must deal with this before you say I DO – how? Communication – talk through the issues with him and get to find settlement together. If you cannot handle this alone, seek help from a marriage counselor. Have you considered that these feelings might be the result of early morning sickness?
Some important questions, for you, to answer:
1. What are the consequences of calling the wedding off and can you live with it?
2. Can these situations (quarrel, hate-feeling …) be corrected before marriage?
3. What would you do if your marriage looks like this after you said I DO?
God wants you to have a happy home and He wants to be in the centre of it. Cry to Him before you go ahead…
d fact dat Ellah went through such situation doesnt mean d poster wil go tru such. We are different human beings and handle issue different. So u guys want her to end up being a single mum in her parents house. She knws d man more than we do. Poster. D ball is in ur court!
Learning from other people will help us to do things differently to either avoid unpleasant experinces or get same desired outcome. I cannot see anyone saying that poster will go thru same. But sha, she needs to trend with caution.
Poster, Poster!!!
Borrow me your hear for a seconds
Call off the marriage
Marriage/dating/ courtship is all about compromise.
Ur hubby/fiance should be ready to make some sacrifice and not say 'accept me like dat'
My fiance is not romantic kobo and I am d over romantic type. We talked, argued and fought about it and he is making amends.
He also point out my faults and I make amend.
Pls, I don't knw how far u've gone with ur pregnancy but u can call it quit to start over again with him.
Let him chase before he captures
Let him date/ court you.
Hope other girls are learning.
BTW, Hapi New year all. I lahve you
It is people like anon 4:26 that many women stay suffering in marriages in Naija. Is she going to be the first single mum living in her parents house she will not be the last either. Her happiness and psychological well being of her and her child are of the utmost importance here and not what society thinks. Poster call off the marriage go back to your parents have the baby remain engaged if you wish to if you develop feelings for him along the way and can tolerate spending the rest of your life with him only then should you proceed with the marriage. But at this point you two have absolutely no reason going into marriage it's only 3 months you are already at logger heads you are pregnant you need to think of your baby's welfare no one should be birthing a baby in such an emotionally unstable environment. Maybe the separation will do you both good, start dating because you two never dated 2 weeks is not enough to know anyone well enough to marry them, start dating get to know each other and take it from there. Sit down with your people and explain to them that you would prefer to have the baby first before you get officially married cook up a story that will make them allow you go back home. You are in position to be getting married at this point.
shut up.
romantic ijebu chic! U are on point. Kudos!
Well my sis just pray. I didn't court my husband as well and we got married right now am pregnant. We do fight yes alot! You know why, because we are different people who have different orientation, different exposure and different background. We don't invite third party we settle it within our us. Let tell u something. Last week we had a fight over a little thing. He askd to bring his phone cos it kept ringing and i said i dont feel like picking it. My husband was angry went to bed without food n lecture me the next morning about disrespect. Was angry I said all I could say. Told him I won't pick the damn phone. But we later resolve. You why it is cos we are human. I said am sorry and he said so as well. That's what is called maturity. First you've got to tell urself that u want ur marriage to work out especially for ur child. Courtship doesn't guarantee better marriage. He can act up to marry u then show u what he's made of. Will u like that? So pls just pray for God's guidance. Try to know ur husband and his personality. Mjne clamour on respect. I hope u fine tranquility.
Lol. Wa gbayi jare! *google it*
Thanks for ds jare! Imagine all ds inexperienced ladies telling her to leave d guy. U guys think all dt lovey dovey continues all d time in marriage? Marriage is serious hard work abeg,forget how long d courtship was. Tolerance is key! Unless d guy is abusing u,den try to make it work!
I remember how hard my 1st year of marriage was. 5 yrs 2day,I'm enjoying it and its still work in progress. God will help u make d right decision o,poster.
Gbam! 60% of Igbo marriages r without courtship. Its common n accepted in our culture. So babe work on ur marriage, it happens most time cos of no courtship. No just jump out, as long as d man is not beating u, womanizing or abusing u emotionally. Don't listen to all this single girls with boyfriend dishing out advice here, that u shld walk out n be a single parent. As long as u r not abused physically n emotionally, sit n work on it.
*might take longer if you go about in an unappropriate manner*.
they are really inexperienced! Did d poster say hubby beats her up or cheat or threatens her? Poster! Wk on ur marriage! Learn to b patient. Use wisdom wen talkng. 4gve and learn to love.
amaka. Dnt mind them. Sum may be enduring theirs and want her to leave. Sum may b married. They think being a single mum is easy.
Haba WC pple, small thing most of u advice posters to liv their marriage. This particular poster didn't even say she was being abused physically. Just that her personality n that of her husband is not gelling together. Pls let's advice her to work on it. Its common in early stage of marriage to have ups n downs. A friend of mine, left her husband after 5 months of marriage with pregnancy, that d man flared up when she was talking to a friend on d phone n accused her of talking to a guy. Sharp sharp single girlfriends adviced her to liv, she just packed n left. We her married friends begged her including her husband, she refused. Fast forward 3 yrs later she's a single mum lamenting her life, that suitors withdraws cos she has a child. Her ex husband is now married, while she's busy cursing out those friends that adviced her to liv her marriage. So my dear check it well b4 u follow d advice to walk out. Since d man is violent, STAY PUT, n remove d hatred u r developing for ur husband n work hand in hand with him to make it work.
I remember d 1st year of my marriage,(I dated hubby for 6 yrs with no break)it was like I didn't know him at all! Sometin as trivial as d way he chews will get me boiling and almost cursing d day I met him! It was so hard to live together.
One day I just looked at him and I thought that,'this man must be seeing faults in me too o!cos I know I aint perfect and he doesn't act like I irritate him'! Dt was d turning point for me,I started overlooking how different we are and I began to appreciate d sweet side of him.
Poster,who says u no get ur own faults? I'm sure d man will have his own story to tell too o.
TOLERANCE is what can make any marriage work,no matter how long or short courtship was. Please I beg you, be wise to avoid future regrets . God will help you.
Poster I guess johnson and anon 8:01 has said my mind. But if you choose to leave call off the wedding, then trust you will be fine with time. It won't be easy I must but you will overcome. I have been there before…..
Small thing "run 4 ur life". U run n do what nxt, liv ur baby for u Mum or what. My dear 2nd chance marriage as a single mum is not easy. I didn't know I had it in me, when my brother brut a single parent, everybody in d family attacked him. Asking him upon all d women in d world to marry its to marry a woman that was previously married with a child. God forgive us after we dIdn't show support, d relationship died off. So my dear beta sit n work on ur marriage. The man is not beating u or doing worse.
Anon 8:04 rather. **it Won't be easy I must say** poster work it out
Hey, hang in there! It could just be your pregnancy hormones speaking.
Well poster hate is a vry strong language 2 use. You havnt really said anytin dt he does to warrant d hatred. So I guess its jst trivial issues dt can be wrkd on. Dnt b in a haste, tak it poco a poco. D grass isn't greener On d other side.
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hahahahaha. Romantic ijebu chic! U are on point jare.
Pls sit in ur marriage,no perfect one out dere,even men of God smtimes av misunderstanding in marriage,buh mk up for it. As far hubby doesnt cheat,beat,or gt drunk frm outside.pls dis phase wud surely pass.Believe