RE: Am I A Heartless Wife? A must Read For Wives And Husbands

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I am writing in reference to the story from one of us: Am I A Heartless Wife?

It touched me that a wife had to hide and save money, sneak out to feed her kids in an effort to make her husband provide for the family.

It shouldn’t be so at all. Marriages should not be that way.

Warning: This is going to be long but I will try as much as possible to make it fun to read. I promise it won’t be as long as a Mills & Boons novel. *wink!

Though I’ve already aired my views on the story, I still think it is important that I say more because in most issues that I have intervened in between husbands and wives, this problem is the most common problem.
MONEY; it’s my money, it’s his money, it’s her money.
Money problems arise because there is no transparency. A husband thinks his wife can take care of certain things in the family because she earns so and so amount while a wife makes certain monetary demands from the husband because she thinks he can afford it.
Husbands insist they can’t foot certain bills including the most basic responsibilities such as food, house rent and children’s school fees because they don’t want to do everything while the wife sends all her money to her people. Wives say they can’t either because hubby has money but does not want to take care of his responsibilities.
But if we really don’t have, why do we hide our accounts/savings from each other?
From various discussions I’ve had with several men, the following are the reasons why most men do NOT want their wives to know how much they are worth not to talk

of giving them access to their accounts.

  1. The husband wants to be able to give money to his relatives without his wife’s knowledge. If wifey knows about it, she will say no or at best try to reduce the amount of money he wants to give them.
  2. The husband is afraid that if wifey knows how much he is worth, she will kill him, take his money and go and share with her family or marry her boyfriend.
  3. The hubby is saving to build a house or start a business and is afraid that if the wife knows how much money he has, she will want to finish the money overnight. She is a spendy–spendy woman.
  4. The husband wants to be able to make miscellaneous expenses without the knowledge of his wife. Examples include: restaurant outings with the boys, gifts to girlfriends/mistresses and other girlfriend expenses.
  5. The husband does not want the wife to know everything about him. He MUST keep something secret from his wife and his bank account it is!
  6. The husband says the wife will start looking down on him when she sees how much he is worth. This is usually from men who think they do not have much.


These are reasons from women:
  1. The wife complains that the hubby does not give her people money so she wants to be able to give money to her people without his knowledge. If he finds out, he will say that all her salary, including the feeding allowance he gives her, goes to her family.
  2. The wife wants to be able to stay up to date fashion-wise without hubby’s knowledge. If he finds out how much she spends on clothes and accessories, he will faint.
  3. The wife says since she does not know anything about hubby’s finances, he has no business knowing hers. Do me I do you, God no go vex.
  4. The wife wants to save for emergency situations for the future. She may be planning to stop work soon and will need some savings in case that happens.
Now tell me, is this how a marriage should be? Two people living under the same roof, sharing the same bed, making love every night or most nights?
There should be absolute transparency in money matters for all those that have been married AND living together as husband and wife for at least 5 years. I say living together because some people may be married for 7 years but have only lived together full time for only 3 out of those 7 years. 5 years is more than enough time for the initial getting to know each other and troubles to pass. So if after this time both parties cannot be absolutely transparent with each other in money matters, they should not answer husband and wife.
Let me tell you a story:
In my job, I work in remote locations for extended periods of time. Some time ago, while at work, a Nigerian colleague of mine was in distress, making frantic phone calls home. This even started affecting his job because he couldn’t sleep. When I asked him what was up, long story short, it was a problem of money. Not because he did not have money but because his wife could not gain access to the money. His wife needed a huge sum of money to settle some family emergency that threatened the safety of his wife and kids but she could not have access to his money because the account is only in his name. He was making frantic phone calls looking for who will give his wife the money on loan to no avail.
Eventually he was able to solve the problem and I sat him down and asked him the following questions:
  1. So, in spite of all your exposure, your wife, the closest person to you, does not have access to your money, ALL your money?
  2. Knowing the nature of our job, so if you died out here, your family will suffer forever? These your lovely children would suffer forever? And all your money will be taken by your bank?
  3. Who exactly are you suffering for? Who are you earning your money for?
He never gave me a good reason for doing it that way other than that women are dangerous hence should not be told or given access to everything.
I work in a man’s world so I get to hear stories that men only tell their fellow men so guys I stand here and tell you today. You need not fear your wives. We women have a tendency to appear dangerous when you hide things from us and when you treat us shabbily.
No spouse should play minds games with the other. Marriage should not be that way. I know there are wicked people in this world who will take advantage of such transparency but I tell you, they are just a small percentage. And most people become mean in self-defence so make sure you are not in any way contributing to your spouse’s “wickedness”.
For those who fear that their wives/husbands will kill them and make away with their money. I personally prefer that my other half got my money (killed me or not) to a random bank or insurance company getting my small change when I’m gone.
Please husbands and wives, when we pool our resources together, the family makes more progress:
  1. Hubby, that house you want to build will be built sooner if wifey knows your plan and supports you as you save towards it.
There is no woman that will not support you if you want to build a house for the family. I am not saying that in the process of saving for that house, your family should not eat because that’s where the problem starts. Some men use saving for one thing or the other as excuse for not bringing chop money.
Remember, it is food first before shelter and clothing.
You play on your wife’s emotions because you know that naturally women cannot stand and watch their children starve. That is so wrong. You should not watch your children go hungry because you want your wife to bring out money.
We should never under any circumstances subject these innocent children to hardship because we are at loggerheads with our spouses.
  1. Wifey those clothes, that latest shoe, you want to buy; hubby will buy you better and more expensive ones when you are buying them at the right time. Better things no dey finish.
  2. Hubby, forget about those girls outside. They never bring you happiness and they never give you love. All you get from them are STDs and more problems on the home front. Dedicate your spare time towards working on finding happiness at home and you will see there’s no better happiness than that. And you will save money too!
  3. Wifey that money you want to hide and give your parents, hubby will give them much more when it is made open and done at the right time.
  4. Hubby that money you want to hide and give your people, wifey will even want you to give them more when given openly and at the right time. I know this for sure because when I was in school, the wives of my cousins/uncles always made them give me MORE money when I visited them. Sometimes if my cousins/uncles would not budge, the wives gave me more money in their presence and say: Don’t you know that she is nwata akwukwo (a student) that is suffering in school?
If you provide for your immediate family (ie wife and kids), no wife will be against you giving your family money from time to time. If some of your siblings are still in school and you are taking care of their education, this should not be a problem either because wifey must have known this fact even before both of you got married. This is also the case if your wife is seeing her siblings through school.
Where I come from, it is a good thing to also take care of your in-laws, at least give them money gifts from time to time. So if you do these together, I see no reason why one would feel sad that the other’s parents are being given money.
In fact a husband and wife should sit down and discuss the money that will be given to relatives and it should be shared according to how much both of you think each person needs, not because of who the person is related to. In our culture, it is inevitable to help relatives financially so every couple that is financially OK should make provision for this no matter how small.
  1. Wives let’s ask ourselves: why does hubby leave certain needs for me to take care of? Why does he abandon his basic needs? Do I give him any reason to think I have more money than I am claiming to have? Am I too much of a spendy–spendy wife that hubby does not trust me with money? Am I too anti-hubby’s people that hubby is scared to let me in on what he does for them? Would I sincerely prefer random bankers get my money if something happens to me to my hubby and kids getting my money? Does hubby think that I love money more than I love him to the extent that I will kill him to take his money?
  2. Husbands ask your selves, why is it that when I tell my wife that I don’t have money, she does not believe me? Am I giving her reasons to believe that I have money but spend it elsewhere? Do I meet the family’s basic needs before I try to solve other people’s problems? Do I keep extramarital affairs that give me a reason to hide my account from wifey? Would I sincerely prefer that random bankers get my money if something happens to me to my wife and kids getting my money?
  3. Husbands and wives we should all be careful how we give in to the whims and caprices of our first families. Sometimes, we should close our ears and eyes to pressures from our first families and work on our immediate family.
I’m not saying that you should not take care of your parents/relatives when they are sick or when they have a REAL need but we all know when parents and siblings are just giving us pressures for giving pressures sake. That house your parents are pushing you to come and build in the village do you really need it now? Or would you rather build a house where you currently live first so that those huge sums you pay as yearly rent will stop? Or do you want to go and build the village house at all costs for cockroaches to live in because according to your people, all your mates have finished building houses?
  1. Husbands and wives, marriage is not a competition rather collaboration. If you earn more than your spouse, it is not a reason to treat him/her like your slave because you don’t know tomorrow.
Husbands, if you think your wife will look down on you when she sees it’s only a small change in your account then that’s another problem which is outside the scope of this write up. You probably made yourself appear bigger than you are worth from the beginning but it is never too late to start cleaning up that false impression.
So husbands and wives, let’s cool our temper when it comes to money. Money should solve problems not create them. And money is not everything. When you have all the money in the world and you can’t enjoy it with your family due to the problems created while you were “saving the money”, it is then you will see that money is not everything after all.
Money is great when we enjoy it with people. Will you go on that holiday alone? Will you go to Mr. Biggs or Tantalizers alone? Will you go to the cinema or the shopping plaza alone? Yes, you can but it won’t be fun at all! Yes, you can go to these places with people that are not your immediate family but you will not feel fulfilled.
So please make your family part of your financial plan so that you will all enjoy the fruits together when the time comes.
I know that every marriage is different. But transparency in money matters overcomes all problems. I know some people will NEVER go the joint account route. I also know couples who have separate accounts without problems.
But if you and your spouse are having serious issues about who pays for this and who pays for that, then you should seriously consider a joint account or at least having access (eg internet logins, pin codes etc) to each other’s accounts. Trust me; it is not difficult if you don’t have anything to hide. And this single act will improve your marriage in ways you can never imagine!
Husbands, you are the head and should take the lead in these matters. Believe me, whatever free and fair practices you put in place in your home, your wife will follow suit.
We spend a great part of our lives being married so let’s start enjoying our marriages and put a stop to material things killing our joy in our marriages.
I am not an expert in this, I’m just telling this story from my personal experience and those of my friends and colleagues.
That’s all from me. Hope it was a fun read … only 15 minutes! lol
With love,

Flo @ allnigerianrecipes.com


67 thoughts on “RE: Am I A Heartless Wife? A must Read For Wives And Husbands”

  1. You've made a very good point here. Good talk. I knew it was you writing before I got to the end lol Thanks Flo! I love your food channel by the way I'm one of your earliest subscribers!

    Reply

  4. This is a very timely writeup,God bless you,cos I was about making some decisions but this is making me have a rethink. I just wish our men could have a look at this.

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  7. Nice one thank you so much,I learnt a lot from this,marriage can only survive with a good team spirit. No point hiding,dodging and tip toeing around each other it sucks and its so exhaustive. May God help us all.

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  11. Aunty Flo, you not only my kitchen instructor, you're also well rounded in this our marriage talk.
    You've got some very great points in there. Its a must read and must practice too.

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  14. Pls aunty Eya,I need an advice b4 I do something silly. My hubby is planning 2 buy a car of 2million for his brother my age. The problem is dat I av asked him 2 buy a car 4 me after selling mine but he always reminds me dat he is building a house in the village nd in lag. Am presently driving his official car since he sold mine but I really want my own. I av never had issue with him concerning his people b4 bt dis particular guy,he gave him some huge money 2 start oil biz with now the guy wants a car nd I was asking mu hubby if its not better 4 d guy 2 wait nd establish himself first b4 buying a car without even knowing he is planning 2 buy it 4 him. As I speak now we don't have a house in d village except d one he is trying 2 build that is still on derking level. Pls advice me on what to do

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  17. Ace are you OK? pls Summarize this post let's see how well you know summary. After that go tell all authors to summarize and write heir novels in three pages. wink#

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  20. A very interesting article. Diverse opinions with their own inherent logic and justifications, which generate more curiosity and interest to further examine and probe into the subject matter.

    I will like to refer to Genesis 3:16 and 1 Timothy 6:10. Reading that article along side reflections on these two Bible verses, reinforces my fears, concerns and suspicions that a misinterpretation of modernity, technology and that which is deemed to be trendy and fashionable, continues to conspire in corrupting the mind of women to depart from biblical prescriptions. This causes conflicts, suspicions and doubts within households in particular, and society in general.

    Genesis 3:16 adequately and affirmatively defines the role of the man and woman in the household, while 1Timothy 6:10 has predicted the evil inherent in money. Mutual love, trust and confidence in one another should be the platform and foundation of marital bondage and not the lust and longing of what is in the purse, pocket or the bank of either husband or wife. Such lust and longing can generate suspicion, doubt and possible conflict which amounts to the evil which is referenced in 1Timothy 6:10.

    Having undertaken the vows of marriage in accordance with biblical terms, it is immaterial and insignificant for spouses to concern themselves as to what is in the others account, or what the other earns. Which is not to say that either of the spouse is not at liberty to disclose such information to the other if he or she so pleases. What is of cardinal importance is for the family and household to be provided with all that is necessary to make a happy home, and the husband and wife have their respective roles to play in this as biblically prescribed.

    I hope you will find this a useful contribution to knowledge on the subject matter to share with your followers on your blog.

    Good morning!
    B.

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  24. This one is not new to you Ahdaisy. You are our Ambassador of openess and transparency in marriages. Keep it up dear! 🙂

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  30. If you think he will learn something from it, pls do not hesitate to send him the link. Please, don't send it like a "prescription". Send it and tell him YOU learnt something from it, a conversation will start from there and at the end, we will change that egocentric to darling. Goodluck! 🙂

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  31. Awww so you are in the drooling club? 🙂 Thank you, I'm glad you find the videos helpful! Today we are in the love department. *wink

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  33. Thanks Flo for sharing these personal experiences… these are useful information for the wo/man.
    The more we learn from the marriage between Christ and the church, the more peace/joy we would have in our homes.
    Marriage is a project without a completion date – let's guide against abandoned projects!

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  37. Awww Debbie! They all go hand in hand. Make sure that delicious meal you prepared for him has digested, then whisper some money matters in his ear and all he can say is "Great idea darling, great idea!" *wink!

    Practicing these is the most difficult yet the most important! Thank you!

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  39. Ace nwoke oma! You are right on both counts.

    Only 1 point made. Yes, my goal was to talk about one point and one point alone: the money issues in marriages. So you just confirmed that I did not stray from the topic. 🙂

    Too many words: Gbam! Money issues in marriages run deep and no amount of words can do it justice. I didn't even scratch the surface.

    Thank you! I'm glad I did not bore you.

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  40. Hi dear, I'm not Aunty Eya but since we are on the issue of money this is my input:

    Have you tried to see this car hubby wants to buy as part of starting the oil business for his brother? Knowing our country Nigeria, there are certain businesses you'll be in and you need to have the right kind of car, wear the right clothes etc. No doors/gates will be opened for you if you are looking to get a multimillion Naira oil contract when you are not driving the right car because they will think you are not financially qualified to do the business.

    When you analyze it from this point of view, you will realize that your hubby is still in the process of starting an oil business for his brother. This is not a different gift.

    You have a car that you drive so please do not attach much importance to whether it is YOUR car or your hubby's official car. If the car gets you from point A to B without problems, there should not be any issue here unless you are looking to impress your colleagues and friends at the expense of your peace of mind.

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  42. O yes Unyime-Ivy! When we dig deeper into every family problem, we'll find money issues at the root. We sort out the money issues and every thing is back to normal. Thank you!

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  45. This is soo good. I just sent my bf this link b4 breaking up with him. Can't stand a stingy man abeg.

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  48. Peace and joy are very vital Johnson. Thanks for sharing that quote, every marriage is indeed an ongoing project. I'm adding that to my mantras. 🙂

    It's my pleasure!

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  50. B, most of your points including the verse from Timothy make perfect advice for marriages especially for those who are about to get married so they can avoid these money issues in marriages.

    But …

    I don't think we should use only that verse from Genesis to define the roles of husband and wife in the home. What about where God told Adam that He will give him a helper? What will Eve help him with? Childbearing? What about situations where a man loses his job? So the woman cannot take over if she is working?

    Most men will tell you that they wish their working wives are making financial inputs in the home but they don't voice it out to their wives for peace to reign and they have their ego to protect so they die in silence. One guy told me that the last thing he will do is to "beg" his wife to help him out because if she loves him enough, she will see that he has been suffering for the family for years and needs help. So the guy is slowly dying in silence and we all know that he is not happy in that marriage. And when one spouse is not happy, the other can't be happy either.

    In a marriage where there is great communication, openness and trust, there will be no need for spouses to "concern" themselves with the finances of the other because each spouse will give out this information freely. If I get to work and find out that I got a promotion, who else will I be dying to give this news to except my hubby? I will tell him my new position and my new pay. I wonder how spouses who hide such facts from each other celebrate such great news or don't they? If I can give him this info, it means he knows what I have been earning before the promotion.

    A family should be run in a freestyle manner, no need to write out job descriptions like we have in the offices because this brings friction and unhappiness. Some women abuse the 1 Timothy 5:8 even when they earn more than their husbands. Whoever has, let him and/or her bring so that the family can eat.

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  53. It is only to someone you love that you can send something you described as "soo good"! If it's something that can be resolved, don't give up on him. Nobody is 100% perfect.

    Look at it this way: he will probably learn from this information you sent to him and another woman will get the NEW him. Is that what you want? When we send this to our spouses or partners, we should send it in such a way that BOTH of us will use the information to make our relationships better. This article should not break up relationships or marriages. 🙂

    But in everything, follow your heart dear.

    Good luck! <3

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  55. I don't mind the new girl getting the new him. I really don't have money. Issues with a man cos that is not my priority but when I finally have, then its really bad. Thank you all the same.

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  57. Hahaha @ no wife would not support her husband 2 build a house..like d ikorodu lady wasn't here….#sure.
    Am a lady o….buh honestly, my hussy can't know all….I stil do my contribution and stil have my kids as Next of Kin….4get love…anything dat happens now, my hussy would marry a small girl who would decide wat my kids eat and wat skol they attend and if they even get 2 attend any @all…God would allow me be there 2 train em IJN.

    Lemme read more n come back.

    BeBe

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  62. i just got to know about this blog, and the first story that cut my eyes was these money matter, thank you vrey very much i enjoyed evry bit of it. i know is going to help me alot. thank you once again.

    ndi.

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  64. hello Aunty Flo! After reading this story i was able to pick some points for myself. but again i wud like to ask u a question.. wat if the wife is not working and the husband is the one picking all d bills. he hardly gives her personal money other than money for expenses an all.complains of her spending money too much,does not want to open a shop for her to do business,says she will finish d money picking expenses from her family. wat shud i do..

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  65. Aunty flo, like anon 9:56 said if d woman is not working and d husband picks up d bills. Ok, let me use myself as an example, v been married for 6yrs and since den, my husband v never given money for allowance not even when his traveling. He will make sure dat food stuff is available and then leave 1k for us(4kids + me). I have tried to get a job but he ll refuse and tell me such minor jobs ain't good for his wife dat he ll find a good and well paying job for me. I passed out 2012(Nysc) and since den v been getting same response. The issue of money, his very stingy with it. What should I do?

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  66. I grew up in a home where money is always an issue and my mum was d sole provider eventho my dad was working. He takes advantage of d fact dat she cannot watch her kids suffer. I recently found out dat my hubby is just as selfish and wicked like my dad. even worse he is a chronic liar and I get to understand dat my profession as a lawyer was d attraction coupled wit d fact of my trusting and compassionate nature. I can't sit and watch my kids suffer so I end up taking care of d home yl my hubby always claims he has no money. we recently had a baby thru CS and I paid 4 everything my hubby was nowhr 2 b found. later he came wit som lame excuses wich I found hard 2 believe gvn his habit of always lying. I am thinking of filing 4 divorce bcos I can't go on like dis.

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  67. Aunty Flo – I have read all you have written but this comment about the guy that is dying in silence caught my attention. My hubby jut told me that after he told me he was broke that he was upset with me because I only dropped money for him only three times. he said I should have known the money was not enough. I said it never crossed my mind to drop more as he never asked. I was so hurt because he said a lot of bad things. some of us are not mind readers o!! I apologised as I should have noticed but really men should speak up

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