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| Three stone engagement ring – in yellow gold – 1791 Diamonds (Photo credit: Wikipedia) |
Aunty Eya, pls it is with the trust and respect I have in you that I write this mail, pardon my manners,how is your husband and family.
Am a young lady, just graduated from the university months
back, am afraid am a bit confused now and also having a failed relationship, am hurt deep within me, but eveN my family and friends don’t seem to get what am goin through.
I dated my fiancé for 14months, then he proposed me, we started marriage plans, started marriage counselling in church as well, did d formal family introduction of both families January, and every other tin in progress, now my fiancé is acting strange, shouts so much @ me(though that is not new) he gives me frequent slaps and pushes me so hard, this can equate to battering. He says the am the cause of our quarrel, I take frequent calls from opposite sex, aunts Eya I broke my sim just so peace would reign. yet he doesn’t see it as been enough. I try not to return his insults an just keep calm like zombie, he said he was fed up and have had it up to here……….in pains I told him I was too, he collected my diamond ring and threw it away, I left for my family house since I was only visiting as usual, it’s been 2weeks now and he hasn’t called yet.
Aunty what
do I do? My parents are getting worried about the whole issue, asking what the problem really is, meanwhile there is a divorcée showing great interest in me and wants sumtin serious really fast, I told him about my fiancé and all the happenings lately.
Pls I beg you don’t post to the blog, just your sisterly advice I seek. God bless you endlessly.
Waiting.
MY REPLY TO VINA
Hi Vina, I am so touched by your mail. There is no relationship without challenges. Is your fiance going through some kind of stress at the moment? What is the nature of his job? Does it leave him too tired at the end of the day?
**After this communication, Vina changed her mind and decides to share it on the blog in anticipation of advice from other experienced women.
What say you?
EYA: “Pls, pls, pls, I beg us all, do not let my Reply to Vina affect your judgement and comment. My Reply should not becloud your individual thoughts, otherwise, we end up going in circles and telling her the same thing over and over again.
Let your comment be what you felt after reading her mail. i.e What you thought before reading my reply to her. Thank you!”
What say you?
Pls my sister vina,if with just he insult and beat you like this,please run because it's going to be worse after marriage,then it will not be so easy to leave again,am talking from experience.for your sanity leave because no amount of prayer is going to change him because he has anger issues.as for the divorcee pls go and find out what happen to his previous marriage.
babe, run for ur life. Thank God he is showin his skills now. My dear dnt go back to him. No woman is worth a man dat hits a lady. As for d divorced guy, its a no frm me, have u found out wat ended his marriage, and wat his relationship is with is wife now? D devil knows how to distract ppls attentoin frm God original plan. Dnt b in a haste, dnt put urself in a situation were u'll have and ex-wife to contend with. Pray for God's guidance, and also for d gift of discernment, remember marriage is not a do or die affair, weda single or married, u need joy dat comes frm within and only God can give u dat. As for d ring, it just wasnt urs. Wat u need now is a clear mind, so dat u can see and reason things wisely,
Just like Eya, I'm not a counsellor but can offer some few opinions.
1. Within urself and family are U in a haste to get married. Do pls tell us and urself the truth.
2. Courtship is a time 2know each other. It is very important u don't overlook any character u notice now. Eg his anger bouts
3. I get a feeling he thinks he's doing U a favour by marrying U. Is that the case? If so, nobody does any1 a favour. It's a mutual agreement built in love and understanding amidst other mature habits.
4. Back to my No 1 point, if u aren't in a haste, it must not either of the 2 men on board now. So that u don't run from frying pan to fire. Take time breathe, get a job or back for ur masters, live life and find urself again.
5. What next? If u decide u cannot take the insults, anger bouts and tirade of ur fiance, pls go home and gently tell ur parents. If they mean well (which they should) all preparations will die down quietly. Better this than running out of ur marriage in less than a year.
6. Also while it is important not to disrespect ur fiance/husband, pls find a way to calmly stand up for urself and what u believe in. It's always important for urself and ur children.
7. I won't 4get d most important part, asking God for direction and help. But remember, heaven help those who help themselves.
Goodluck in whatever decision u take.
Luchi
My dear am no marriage cousellor,but there are many answers than questions to ur problem.
First and foremost,it takes so much to raiseup ur hand and then strike a woman. It takes d junior brother to Lucifer to do that. Serious sonetimes I wonder how some men can muster such courage. Sometimes I doubt if its possible that a man can raise his hand on his wife or lover.
Then God u both are still courting and he even told u he's fedup,so what are u waiting for. U know whats gud for u my dear,do u want to get married to the man dat will turn u into a punching bag,then comesback to apologise when he feels.
Pay less attention to what people or ur family will say,u're d one going into dis lifetime contract,not ur mum or dad. Waitooo I still don't understand why a man will bw hitting u at d slightest provocation,and u still find room to call him ur fiance.
My dear broken relationship is far better than a broken marriageooo! Plz for d sake of ur children yet unborn,give them d best and most loving dad u can afford,before d next story will be my husband always beat me in front of our children.
A STITCH IN TIME SAVES NINE
~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA3310
Bonario took the words outta my mouth. My thoughts exactly. All da best dearie.
Only stay in a relationship where there is mutual respect and love. There is no point maintaining a relationship where this does not exist. All the best to you.
Am nt against marriage,infact I cnt wait 2 meet a man I'll b able 2 fall in luv wif n b willing 2 spend my life wif bt d truth is,am nt in a hurry,willing 2 take my time n dis is wot most ladies dnt undstand,dat gone r doz days when ur parents tells u dat ur husband hits u outta luv or dat u shuld sit,watch n swallow all he does,d world is nw beyond dat..d type of hitting weapons available nw weren't availble den. My advice 4 u is to take a break frm relationships,try n discover urself more,knw wot u want n figure out hw u can get dem,I knw hw hard it usually gets 4 we ladies esp wen on our way to 30 bt my dear,marriage no longer defines a woman,u need 2 knw d kinda man u want bkos dat one u described is a no-no…..it gets worse after marriage n 4 him 2 tell u he's fed-up is a sign dat u shuld move on #Ugo#
My dear Vina, please run. Not much I can add to what has already been said except that. Tell your parents what happened and see what they say.
My dear,ps run for your life.I stayed in an abusive relationship for over 11yrs,got engaged and even though I knew I wasn't happy I stayed.I had money,good mind blowing sex,attention and all from him so I guess that contributed to my staying but deep down I knew I was heading for doom.Friends and family tried to warn me but I refused to run.Thank God some issues came up and so I was able to pull out.Heart broken and sad but I found someone new and today I'm happily married to a man who loves me more and more daily and has never lifted his hand to hit me.He has made me see life if a different way.My point is,forget the introduction and move on.I'm not even in support of d divorcee but I can't judge because I don't know the circumstances surounding the divorce.But my dear,prayerfully seek the face of God for directions and follow His lead.May God lead you in the right path in Jesus name.amen
I wish there is a "like" button on Eyaa's blog cos I really wanna "like" this comment.
Spot on
Eyaa u have great women in your blog who doesn't know yet what a wonderful marriage councellor they will make
Dear Vina, a man who has trust issues would definitely hit u, and a man who hits u shoulnt be called a man, talk more YOUR man. He isn't your man! God loves you so much to have allowed the issue of the engagement ring happen becos I see that you would have still gone ahead though he hits you. This is ur que,sister, take off! When we ask God for guidance, he does not send down angels to tell us what to do, he uses scenerios.and this is it,pls don't ignore it! I always say that, when a man raises his hand in anger, then changes his mind and does not hit you, pls flee from such a man cos one day, dt hand up in the air would come down, and my dear, dt hand would not hit the wall, it would hit you. As a sister I do not have, pls, I am begging you, der is a good man out der for you that would treasure you, you would be amazed that you were abt to make the mistake of ur life when you meet the real man! Trust me,he's out der, searching or waiting for and it isn't the divorcee ooooo! For now, stay away from relationships to clear your head.any relationship right now would mean you r on a rebound. Take a break, go on a vacation,hang out with friends. And like I always say, the word works wonders! The word of God shld be ur best companion. Draw really close to God, talk to him like ur best friend, he listens!
Hmmm my dear Vina, every1 has said it all. To cut d long story short this is a blessing in disguise. Its good he has shown u who he really is b4 marriage coz it'll surely get worse when you get married. I really think you should part ways and 4get what family or friends will say or think as some will mock u 4 having a failed relationship after your introduction. Please do not rush into a relationship with d divorced guy or any1 yet, just take some time out and seek d face of God for direction on who ur soul mate is. I don't kno ur age but plz don't feel pressured to get married now, u want a marriage that will be till death do u part not just for some years. I pray God leads you and u make d right choices IJN. Lizzy
Reading dis,I jst wished 4 one tin. I wished dere was a way 2 send a voice note cos my story shud send a message 2 u bt unfortunately,I wnt b able 2 write it all out even though most of wat I want 2 say have already been said by previous commentors….
Well Vina,hv u tot of it dis way,that dis is a sign 4rm God,probably u hv bn praying 4 God 2 see u tru ur marriage preparations n den dis is a way He is tryin 2 tell u nt 2 go ahead wit u bt as mere mortals dat we r,we wudnt see it cos our flesh are weak therefore they becloud our sense of reasoning. I had a bad experience,I was perparing 2 get married bt b4 d marriage,I had signs nt 2 go ahead wit it yet I dint heed n jst lyk u,I started tinkin, "wat wil pple say"? N dis was my greatest undoing cos if I had listened 2 d holyspirit,I wnt b divorced 2day. So u see. Talk 2 ur parents,explain 2 dem n hear wat dey say,I'm sure no parent wud wnt deir child 2 get in2 an abusive marriage. Vina darlyn,always rmba dis…."A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP IS BETTER DAN A BROKEN MARRIAGE". I pray u listen 2 dat tiny inner voice in u.
So Sowee Abt It..My Mom once tld me any guy Who Hits u Even once wen in a relatnship will End üp turnin u Into a punching Bag wen u marry Him(Even If He has other nice qualities) ..Pls pray Abt It and Ask For directn From God..also remember Dat God always wants d best For u and I'm Sure God's best IS Not For a guy To be hitting Or beating u..i also Had a friend whose elder sister was besten To death By her husband..Pls and Pls Make d right choice..No Lady deserves To be Hit Or Beaten
hey vinna i do not know you and i cannot say that i feel your pain, rather i will say that i do understand. some times we hold on to things that we know will not work, things we know that hurt us. we stay looking when our every impulse tells us to look away. you should thank God that he revealed to you what you would have experienced in your marriage. girl you do not want to be praying, fasting and crying for a man to change when you should be enjoying your marriage, now i am not saying you will not argue or have differences in your marriage. but the question you should always ask yourself is- IS THIS WHAT I REALLY WANT? DO I WANT TO BE CRYING ALL THE TIME? DO I WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A MULE? DO I WANT TO KEEP GETTING SLAPPED? LET GO BABY GIRL! YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS! ITS JUST A RING- YOU WILL GET ANOTHER! I PROMISE YOU! you are beautiful, you are wonderfully and fearfully made, you are the apple of Gods eye. if a man does not love you like christ loved the church then just know that whatever relationship you are in isnt worth it. as for the divorcee dont even think about it. you have no idea why he left his previous marriage! and you do not want to enter into an internal bondage! stay strong and GOD BLESS <3 it is well i promise
My dear, incase you have forgotten, marriage is 'forever'. Think very deeply about this before getting into it, don't be wooed by d diamond ring at all. As a lady I Wud choose a GL ring and happiness over a diamond ring n constant pain and heartache, it can lead to an early grave. Explain the whole situation to ur parents, if u r from a loving and close knit family, believe me they wud chase him away with an Ak47. As for the divorcée, pray seriously about it, d bible is not against divorce. Bt it says if a husband n wife shud divorce, then both shudnt remarry. I'm not good in quoting d bible be there is a verse that says whoever marries another womans husband/wife is commiting adultery. Pray seriously for Gods will to be done in ur lyf
Sorry dear, it is well
Anger dwells in d bosom of fools. If one can't manage anger, he'll certainly encounter difficulties managing a home. That's one! Secondly, you should provide answers to these questions: will u be proud to have such a man father your kids? Do you wish to grow old with him? Thirdly, tolerance is the key to any successful marriage. How well can you tolerate his flaws till the end? Two cannot work together except they agree. How compatible are you two? Strangely, it's not just love that sustains a marriage, COMPATIBILITY does have a larger share. It's not just about the 'now', you need to put the future into consideration!
Just got to this blog and I really liked your comment. You just said it all. It is very inspiring. God bless you.